Steven Wright Quotes - Page 18

Quotes about:

• When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

  Steven Wright

  Good Morning, Girlfriend, Mistake

  59 Copy quote

• I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Car

  7 Copy quote

• I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Remote Control

  5 Copy quote

• I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

  Steven Wright

  Reading, Machines, Done

  7 Copy quote

• George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

  Steven Wright

  Home, School, Class

  4 Copy quote

• I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

  Steven Wright

  Kindness, Food, Moving

  6 Copy quote

• Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Limbo

  4 Copy quote

• I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

  Steven Wright

  Reflection, People, Levels

  4 Copy quote

• I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

  Steven Wright

  Imagination, My Friends, My Imagination

  6 Copy quote

• I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  17 Copy quote

• I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Heart, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Song, Girlfriend

  5 Copy quote

• I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, House

  "I Have A Pony". Comedy album by Steven Wright, 1985.

  7 Copy quote

• I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

  Steven Wright

  Emotion

  4 Copy quote

• I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Justice

  5 Copy quote

• I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Light

  4 Copy quote

• Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

  Steven Wright

  Years, Criminals, Different

  7 Copy quote

• When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

  Steven Wright

  Kids, Funny Things, Wow

  4 Copy quote

• I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

  Steven Wright

  Tired, Night, Trying

  7 Copy quote

• I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Way

  4 Copy quote

• My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

  Steven Wright

  Book, Hero, Thrill

  4 Copy quote

• I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Bottles

  5 Copy quote

• I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

  Steven Wright

  Boston, Years, Phoenix

  4 Copy quote

• I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

  Steven Wright

  Morning, Stuff, Stolen

  7 Copy quote

Page 18 of 22

First

← Prev

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin