Steven Wright Quotes - Page 15

Quotes about:

• If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Swimming

  4 Copy quote

• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Winning

  4 Copy quote

• I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

  Steven Wright

  Birth, Certificates, Birth Certificate

  4 Copy quote

• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Writing, Humor

  9 Copy quote

• How can there be self-help groups?

  Steven Wright

  Self, Groups, Helping

  4 Copy quote

• If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Owing

  6 Copy quote

• I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Mirrors

  7 Copy quote

• Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

  Steven Wright

  Snakes, Arms, Vests

  12 Copy quote

• My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Comedy

  6 Copy quote

• When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

  Steven Wright

  Mind, Trying, Looks

  15 Copy quote

• Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

  Steven Wright

  Thinking, Comedian, Stuff

  9 Copy quote

• For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, 50th Birthday

  7 Copy quote

• I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

  Steven Wright

  Keys, Car, Break Out

  10 Copy quote

• I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Motivational Sports, Humor

  72 Copy quote

• Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

  Steven Wright

  Imagine

  4 Copy quote

• The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Fall, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Air

  6 Copy quote

• The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

  Steven Wright

  Perspective, Insane, Trying

  4 Copy quote

• My father was a small claims court jester.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Father, Humor

  6 Copy quote

• I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

  Steven Wright

  Science, Car, Looks

  4 Copy quote

• I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

  Steven Wright

  Summer, People, Maps

  7 Copy quote

• You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

  Steven Wright

  Thinking, Old Testament, Should

  4 Copy quote

• Is 'tired old cliché' one?

  Steven Wright

  Tired

  4 Copy quote

• My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

  Steven Wright

  Friendship, Eight, Years

  7 Copy quote

• I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Heart, Humor

  15 Copy quote

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