Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?
If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
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