Steven Wright Quotes - Page 10

Quotes about:

• Do fish get cramps after eating?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Eating

  8 Copy quote

• I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Keys

  12 Copy quote

• When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Running, Horse

  5 Copy quote

• All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

  Steven Wright

  Cat, People, Insanity

  24 Copy quote

• If you shoot a Mime, do you need to use a silencer?

  Steven Wright

  Needs, Use, Mime

  6 Copy quote

• Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

  Steven Wright

  11 Copy quote

• I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

  Steven Wright

  Food, Humor, Cooking

  66 Copy quote

• The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Eight

  6 Copy quote

• I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

  Steven Wright

  Karaoke, Lips, Arrested

  20 Copy quote

• I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Shadow

  16 Copy quote

• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Waiting

  6 Copy quote

• My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

  Steven Wright

  School, Color, Naked

  7 Copy quote

• Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Hate, Fall

  16 Copy quote

• I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

  Steven Wright

  Reading, Speed, Bookmarks

  9 Copy quote

• In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

  Steven Wright

  Insightful, Kind, Hindsight

  18 Copy quote

• I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Submarines

  9 Copy quote

• My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

  Steven Wright

  Secret, Staying Young, Young

  7 Copy quote

• I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Learning, Humor

  5 Copy quote

• My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Girlfriend, Writing

  5 Copy quote

• Is it possible to be totally partial?

  Steven Wright

  8 Copy quote

• George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

  Steven Wright

  Bridges, Radio, Comedy

  10 Copy quote

• They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Water

  9 Copy quote

• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Littles

  12 Copy quote

• I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

  Steven Wright

  Mirrors, House, Tape

  15 Copy quote

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