Steven Wright Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  113 Copy quote

• In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Home, Humor

  15 Copy quote

• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Noses

  62 Copy quote

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Vegetables

  71 Copy quote

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

  77 Copy quote

• When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Time, Humor

  82 Copy quote

• Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

  Steven Wright

  Book, Islands, Desert

  50 Copy quote

• Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Numbers

  68 Copy quote

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Life, Birthday

  119 Copy quote

• Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

  Steven Wright

  Fun, Work, Distance

  66 Copy quote

• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Memories, Humor

  175 Copy quote

• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Cat

  343 Copy quote

• I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humorous, Food

  106 Copy quote

• I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

  Steven Wright

  Matter, Quitting, Placebo

  "When the Leaves Blow Away". Documentary, Comedy, 2006.

  65 Copy quote

• How do you get off a non-stop flight?

  Steven Wright

  Flight, Non Stop

  115 Copy quote

• If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, People

  213 Copy quote

• The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

  Steven Wright

  Kids, Perception, Taught

  161 Copy quote

• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Procrastination, Humor

  85 Copy quote

• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

  Steven Wright

  Sleep, Naps, Annoying

  36 Copy quote

• I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Night

  131 Copy quote

• I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

  Steven Wright

  Hitchhiking, Thanks, Said

  32 Copy quote

• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Play

  48 Copy quote
• 

  There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Sports, Sarcastic

  91 Copy quote

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Humor, Doe

  86 Copy quote

• Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

  Steven Wright

  Hands, Watches, Thirds

  19 Copy quote

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