George Carlin Quotes - Page 6

Quotes about:

• Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

  George Carlin

  Humorous, Realizing, Incidents

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  6 Copy quote

• I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

  George Carlin

  Humorous, Giving, Selling

  29 Copy quote

• They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

  George Carlin

  Freedom Of Speech, Speak, Speak The Truth

  16 Copy quote

• All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.

  George Carlin

  War, Patriarchal Society, Recovering

  8 Copy quote

• One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Stupid, Pregnancy

  "It's Bad for Ya". Comedy album by George Carlin, 2008.

  14 Copy quote

• The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

  George Carlin

  Sweet, Coffee, Light

  38 Copy quote

• A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

  George Carlin

  People, Guy, Loner

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  13 Copy quote

• Life is a near-death experience.

  George Carlin

  Funny Life, Life Is, Near Death

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.198, Hachette UK

  26 Copy quote

• The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.

  George Carlin

  Real, People, Police

  George Carlin (2009). “Last Words”, p.122, Simon and Schuster

  17 Copy quote

• Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

  George Carlin

  Apathy, Today, Scientist

  21 Copy quote

• The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

  George Carlin

  Earthquakes, Would Be, Stores

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  19 Copy quote

• By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

  George Carlin

  Honesty, Comedian, Second Best

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

  6 Copy quote

• Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  16 Copy quote

• Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.

  George Carlin

  Attitude, War, Ice

  11 Copy quote

• Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  76 Copy quote

• No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.

  George Carlin

  Trying, Clubs, Matter

  5 Copy quote

• People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, People

  George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

  37 Copy quote

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Reality

  15 Copy quote

• The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.

  George Carlin

  Dog, Truth, Pavlov

  6 Copy quote

• Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

  George Carlin

  Brain, Development, Tissues

  14 Copy quote

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  25 Copy quote

• One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.

  George Carlin

  August, Hours, Fine

  8 Copy quote

• Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

  George Carlin

  Atheist, Thinking, Drug

  40 Copy quote

• People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

  George Carlin

  Bullying, Philosophy, Thinking

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  24 Copy quote

• Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

  George Carlin

  Song, Humorous, Eye

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  8 Copy quote

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