George Carlin Quotes About Today

Quotes about: Today

• Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

  George Carlin

  Apathy, Today, Scientist

• The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

  George Carlin

  Cancer, Humorous, Long

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

• If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?"

  George Carlin

  Philosophy, White, Hair

  "Occupation: Foole". Comedy album by George Carlin, 1973.

• In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Humorous, Today

• I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

  George Carlin

  Dirty, Hair, Teeth

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

• So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

  George Carlin

  Military, Heart, Men

  George Carlin (2009). “Last Words”, p.64, Simon and Schuster

• Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere

  George Carlin

  Mind, Today, Path

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

• Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids today", all those old-fashioned themes - or, if it's deeper, and somewhat more thoughtful, about social imbalance and inequities, and the folly of human behavior. It's usually a complaint.

  George Carlin

  Kids, Thoughtful, Wife

  Source: mavericksofthemind.com

• The whole problem with the world today: private property. If no one owned anything, it would be a lot better. There's even an entire industry devoted to keeping an eye on other people's stuff. This is how stupid it's got. If you decide to get rid of a lot of your stuff, you can give it to a thrift shop or to Goodwill.

  George Carlin

  Stupid, Eye, Giving

  Source: abilitymagazine.com

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