Lewis Black Quotes

Quotes about:

• The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.'

  Lewis Black

  Party, Ideas, Two

  75 Copy quote

• I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

  Lewis Black

  Coffee, Giving, Might

  66 Copy quote

• Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

  Lewis Black

  Country, Crazy, Smart

  64 Copy quote

• Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.

  Lewis Black

  Crazy, Thinking, May

  24 Copy quote

• In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

  Lewis Black

  Funny, Believe, Humor

  24 Copy quote

• If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

  Lewis Black

  People, Leader, Groups

  47 Copy quote

• I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.

  Lewis Black

  Citizens, Happy Person, Persons

  10 Copy quote

• There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.

  Lewis Black

  Life, Real, Two

  13 Copy quote

• What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

  Lewis Black

  Blow, Differences, Republican

  Twitter post from May 03, 2014

  8 Copy quote

• My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes

  Lewis Black

  House, Clubs, Pancakes

  24 Copy quote

• I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

  Lewis Black

  Normal, Feels, My Friends

  6 Copy quote

• When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

  Lewis Black

  Running, America, Energy

  45 Copy quote

• In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.

  Lewis Black

  New York

  5 Copy quote

• A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

  Lewis Black

  Funny, Humor, Ideas

  28 Copy quote

• This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.

  Lewis Black

  Believe, Gay, Worry

  "Lewis Black on politics, aging, and being the guy who yells". Interview with Drew Fortune, www.avclub.com. September 7, 2012.

  48 Copy quote

• If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

  Lewis Black

  Funny, Humor, Garden

  "Rules of Enragement". Comedy album, 2003.

  34 Copy quote

• I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'

  Lewis Black

  Funny, Home, Humor

  "Lewis Black: Red, White and Screwed". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. June 10, 2006.

  13 Copy quote

• It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

  Lewis Black

  Running, Car, Cognitive Dissonance

  14 Copy quote

• If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.

  Lewis Black

  Guy, Singing, Subway

  22 Copy quote

• I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There's no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops - let's go for it.

  Lewis Black

  New York, Doors, Years

  33 Copy quote

• Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

  Lewis Black

  Stupid, Differences, Dumb

  31 Copy quote

• What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

  Lewis Black

  Valentines Day, Holiday, Looks

  "Lewis Black on the things he'll always love". Interview with David Wolinsky, www.avclub.com. February 15, 2010.

  33 Copy quote

• I believe that summer is our time, a time for the people, and that no politician should be allowed to speak to us during the summer. They can start talking again after Labor Day.

  Lewis Black

  Summer, Believe, Talking

  "Lewis Black on politics, aging, and being the guy who yells". Interview with Drew Fortune, www.avclub.com. September 7, 2012.

  26 Copy quote

• We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.

  Lewis Black

  Party, Ideas, Two

  "Black on Broadway". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. May 15, 2004.

  21 Copy quote

• Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

  Lewis Black

  Funny, Christmas, Christian

  28 Copy quote

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