Jay Leno Quotes About Security

Quotes about: Security

• The Olympics start on Friday, and Russia is implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. During the games, the government will monitor every email, every social media message, and listen in on every phone call. In fact, people are even comparing Russia to the United States, that's how bad it is.

  Jay Leno

  Friday, Russia, Phones

• Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He's the first wired president. ... He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they're easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, 'OMG! WTF?' I mean, he couldn't believe it.

  Jay Leno

  Giving Up, Believe, Mean

• As you know President Bush has been traveling around the country trying to sell his new Social Security plan. He wants to take our retirement money and invest it in the stock market. He says nothing can go wrong. I'll mention that to Martha Stewart the next time I see her.

  Jay Leno

  Country, Retirement, Trying

• Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge raised security alert to a code red. Apparently Howard Dean has escaped. Did you see Dean's crazed speech the other night, yelling? I see why his wife won't campaign with him. In fact, Dean has a new slogan: 'Aaghhhh.'

  Jay Leno

  Night, Yelling, Wife

• In Afghanistan, U.S. troops are now holding an American man who has been fighting alongside the Taliban. His mother says he was born in Washington, D.C. and his father's a lawyer. Well, that explains it. ... He surrendered to authorities and said he wants to go back to his old job - airline security guard.

  Jay Leno

  Mother, Jobs, Father

• A second Homeland Security official has been arrested, a 49-year-old guy named Frank Figueroa, he was caught exposing and fondling himself to a teenage girl in a shopping mall in Florida. Do you realize? If Osama bin Laden was a 14-year old girl, we would have had him by now. ... Who is going to start protecting us from the Department of Homeland Security? ... It kind of makes you long for the good old wholesome days of the Clinton administration.

  Jay Leno

  Girl, Teenage, Florida

• According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.

  Jay Leno

  Simple, Obamacare, Fake

• We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic sheeting to protect your house in event of terrorist attacks. Who came up with this idea? MacGyver?

  Jay Leno

  Should Have, Ideas, Orange

• Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.

  Jay Leno

  Pants, Pairs, Spandex

• The federal government said today they've begun training sessions for airport security workers to provide what they call more customer satisfaction to the travels, they want to make it easier for us. They're instructing security guards to glance at your luggage tags so that they can call you by your first name. Isn't that creepy? The guy touching your wife, calling her by her first name.

  Jay Leno

  Names, Airports, Government

• I flew this past weekend. I went through airport security and said to the guy, 'Is everything okay?' He said, 'You might want to have that mole on your ass checked out.' That seems a little personal to me.

  Jay Leno

  Weekend, Past, Airports

• Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We're the ones getting robbed.

  Jay Leno

  Security Guards, Gas Stations, Hiring

• Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke.

  Jay Leno

  States, Airline Security, Jokes

• Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with.

  Jay Leno

  Home, Guy, Responsible

• Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.

  Jay Leno

  Nike, Past, Air

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