Jay Leno Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Christmas, Wise

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Romantic, Valentines Day

• You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Relationship, Laughter

• Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Money, Epic

• The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Humorous, Doctors

• Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, New Year, Mean

• If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Voting, Political Wisdom

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Witty, Two

• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Life, Food

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Weed, Marijuana

• The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

  Jay Leno

  Inspirational, Funny, New York

• If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Dog, Toilets

• Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Food, Cooking

• A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Morning, Humor

• According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Best Friend, Dog

• Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Money, Wall

• A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Dog, Training

• How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Kids, Earth

• A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Christmas, Humorous

• AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Humor, Offering

• Clinton's pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they've turned Buddy from a Democrat into a Republican.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Dog, Sex

• Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, California, White

• I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those... it's called a window.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Stupid, Light

  "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (Episode #9.31)". Talk-Show, February 14, 2001.

• It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don't. I mean, I don't want to put on sunglasses. That's why I'm in show business.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Mean, Thinking

• The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Queens, London Olympics

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