Jay Leno Quotes About Today

Quotes about: Today

• A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.

  Jay Leno

  Jobs, Tunnels, Snow

• Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Romantic, Valentines Day

• According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.

  Jay Leno

  Halloween, Thinking, Usa

  "American Morning: Wake Up Call" with Carol Costello, www.cnn.com. October 28, 2011.

• A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.

  Jay Leno

  Country, Queens, Body

• The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.

  Jay Leno

  Husband, Talking, Fox News

• Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.

  Jay Leno

  Fools Day, People, Trying

• Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.

  Jay Leno

  Valentines Day, Men, Names

• Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

  Jay Leno

  Believe, Science, Cells

• President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.

  Jay Leno

  Lunch, White, House

• A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.

  Jay Leno

  Men, Hands, Wife

• It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow.

  Jay Leno

  Two, President, Shadow

• President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner’s. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it’s the unemployment numbers.

  Jay Leno

  Numbers, President, Different

• Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.

  Jay Leno

  Gun, Today, South Carolina

• Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.

  Jay Leno

  Today, Influence, Said

• Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs, 'Oh, let's blame the humans.'

  Jay Leno

  Men, Two, Typical

• At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming is so bad, if the presidential election were held today, Al Gore would still lose.

  Jay Leno

  Years, Yesterday, Presidential

• In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out.

  Jay Leno

  Iraq, Medicine, People

• I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those... it's called a window.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Stupid, Light

  "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (Episode #9.31)". Talk-Show, February 14, 2001.

• Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

  Jay Leno

  Lying, Today Is The Day, Differences

  "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno, February 19, 2007.

• Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he detected and nominated American tax evaders.

  Jay Leno

  President, Today, Firsts

• John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn't bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.

  Jay Leno

  Hunting, Eggs, Littles

  "Trail Tales: Gore Returns to Florida". "The Tonight Show" with Jay Leno, www.foxnews.com. October 22, 2004.

• Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard.

  Jay Leno

  Race, Voice, Today

• The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt.

  Jay Leno

  Hurt, Leader, Today

• John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this.

  Jay Leno

  Good Luck, President, Hey

• The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed you'd be able to keep your doctor, and now they're saying you 'might' be able to. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Perhaps we could try. Can't promise anything.'

  Jay Leno

  Doctors, Obamacare, Yes We Can

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