Funny Quotes - Page 30

• The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

  Phyllis Diller

  Witty, Humorous, Ironing Board

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• Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.

  Barry Cryer

  Laughter, Laughing, Frogs

  54 Copy quote

• I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

  Will Rogers

  Movie, Witty, Stars

  27 Copy quote

• I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.

  Loretta Lynn

  Witty, Baby, Sex

  56 Copy quote

• I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

  Darynda Jones

  Birthday, Humorous, Forever

  Darynda Jones (2013). “Fifth Grave Past the Light”, p.21, St. Martin's Press

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• Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.

  Jim Rogers

  Success, Humorous, Investing

  Jim Rogers (2013). “Street Smarts: Adventures on the Road and in the Markets”, p.58, Crown Business

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• A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.

  Mae West

  Women, Fire, Baldness

  21 Copy quote

• The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

  Robert Graves

  Hilarious, Laughter, Drinking

  The Observer, December 06, 1964.

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• God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

  Naguib Mahfouz

  Witty, Humorous, Exercise

  "The Handbook of Wisdom and Delight". Book by Thorntize, p. 121, 2009.

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• Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

  George Lopez

  Nice, Comedy, Relative

  "George Lopez Launching New Sitcom" by The Associated Press, www.foxnews.com. October 17, 2011.

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• If you have a good idea, open your mouth and say something else.

  Keith Johnstone

  Ideas, Ironic, Suggestions

  81 Copy quote

• All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

  Groucho Marx

  Inspirational, Witty, Laughter

  20 Copy quote

• I can't think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything.

  Bill Bryson

  Inspirational, Country, Travel

  FaceBook post by Bill Bryson from Sep 01, 2012

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• People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Inspirational, Hilarious, Witty

  56 Copy quote

• Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

  Don Rickles

  Clothes, Wonder, Picks

  136 Copy quote

• There are no nudists in cold areas.

  Tsugumi Ohba

  Sarcastic, Humorous, Ironic

  Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata (2007). “Death note: Kindred spirit”, VIZ Media LLC

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• I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

  Yogi Berra

  Change, Baseball, Athlete

  21 Copy quote

• Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

  George Burns

  Success, Fake People, Truth

  86 Copy quote

• As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do"

  Robert Breault

  Witty, Humorous, May

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• Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?

  Bobcat Goldthwait

  Animal, Squirrels, Trying

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• A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

  H. L. Mencken

  Anniversary, Marriage, Witty

  H.L. Mencken “A little book in C major”, Рипол Классик

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• I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

  Bob Hope

  Love, Witty, Money

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• I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

  Will Rogers

  Party, Political Will, Politics

  "Will Rogers, Ambassador of Good Will, Prince of Wit and Wisdom". Book by Patrick Joseph O'Brien. Chapter 9, 1935.

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• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

  H. L. Mencken

  Love, Marriage, Sarcastic

  80 Copy quote

• Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

  Douglas Adams

  Jobs, Responsibility, America

  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "Fit the Twelfth" (radio program) (1980) See Twain 14

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