Funny Quotes - Page 27

• Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

  Andy Borowitz

  Usa, Comedian, Secret

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Apr 18, 2012

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• The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

  Mark Twain

  Humorous, Cat, Swimming

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain’s Letters & Speeches (Annotated Edition)”, p.706, Jazzybee Verlag

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• If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.

  Richard D. Wolff

  Fickle, Erratic, Roommate

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• I buy expensive suits - they just look cheap on me.

  Warren Buffett

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Business

  "The view from Omaha: devotees flock to hear world's richest man" by Andrew Clark, www.theguardian.com. May 4, 2008.

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• It's more important for a photographer to have very good shoes, than to have a very good camera

  Sebastiao Salgado

  Photography, Shoes, Ironic

  84 Copy quote

• By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

  Richard Dawkins

  Trust, Laughter, Mean

  "The Richard Dimbleby Lecture: Science, Delusion and the Appetite for Wonder". Lecture, BBC1 Television, November 12, 1996.

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• Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

  Albert Einstein

  Inspirational, Leadership, Education

  Albert Einstein (2015). “Bite-Size Einstein: Quotations on Just About Everything from the Greatest Mind of the Twentieth Century”, p.24, St. Martin's Press

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• Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.

  Dennis Rodman

  Sports, School, College

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• If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

  Hillary Clinton

  Change, Beauty, Sarcastic

  "The Hillary Clinton look: power hair, pantsuits and practicality" by Alyson Walsh, www.theguardian.com. April 15, 2015.

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• I have caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs.

  Barbara Woodhouse

  Dog, Kissing, People

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• If you want government to intervene domestically, you’re a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you’re a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you’re a moderate. If you don’t want government to intervene anywhere, you’re an extremist.

  Joseph Sobran

  Government, Political, Liberty

  71 Copy quote

• If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

  Johnny Carson

  Witty, Humorous, Food

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• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

  George Carlin

  Life, Reality, Sweat

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• Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple

  Gene Wilder

  Humorous, Directors, Books And Movies

  653 Copy quote

• I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

  Woody Allen

  Team, Chess Game, Playing Chess

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• I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.

  Tallulah Bankhead

  Sex, Giving, Necks

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• There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

  Josh Groban

  Stars, Rocks, Singing

  VH1.com, November 23, 2003.

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• Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

  Bertrand Russell

  Inspirational, Witty, Powerful

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• It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.

  Marilyn Monroe

  Radio, Actresses

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• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

  Steve Martin

  Inspirational, Hilarious, Humorous

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• Girls do not dress for boys. They dress for themselves, of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys, they'd just walk around naked at all times.

  Betsey Johnson

  Girl, Fashion, Boys

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• Part of the charm of basketball lies in the fact that it's a simple game to understand. Players race up and down a fairly small area indoors and stuff the ball into a ring with Madonna's dress hanging on it.

  Dan Jenkins

  Basketball, Lying, Simple

  Dan Jenkins (2015). “"YOU CALL IT SPORTS, BUT I SAY IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!"”, p.284, Simon and Schuster

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• The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Humorous, Book

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.13, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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• Many of us spend half of our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing.

  Alexander Woollcott

  Time, Insperational, Achievement

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• To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted.

  Michael Shurtleff

  Humorous, Insane, Theatre

  Michael Shurtleff (2009). “Audition: Everything an Actor Needs to Know to Get the Part”, p.3, Bloomsbury Publishing USA

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