I am only human, although I regret it.
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.
Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.
Young people everywhere have been allowed to choose between love and a garbage disposal unit. Everywhere they have chosen the garbage disposal unit.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
They had a... dog called Bluey. A know psychopath, Bluey would attack himself if nothing else was available.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).
Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.
It's funny how most activists are pacifists.
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
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