Bill Bailey Quotes

Quotes about:

• Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

  Bill Bailey

  Knowing, Contentment, Knowing Someone

  51 Copy quote

• Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Vegetarianism

  "Bill Bailey: Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

  59 Copy quote

• Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'

  Bill Bailey

  Males, Three, Pubs

  33 Copy quote

• The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

  Bill Bailey

  Couple, Hands, Way

  35 Copy quote

• I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

  Bill Bailey

  Disappointment, Surprise, Kinder

  "Bill Bailey: Bewilderness", www.imdb.com. 2001.

  39 Copy quote

• I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.

  Bill Bailey

  Disappointment, Chocolate, Despair

  "Bewilderness". Documentary, Comedy, 2001.

  21 Copy quote

• Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

  Bill Bailey

  Stupid, Three, Littles

  "Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, 2004.

  39 Copy quote

• People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, People

  6 Copy quote

• You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Confused, Philosophical

  "Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

  38 Copy quote

• I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Meat

  "Bill Bailey: Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

  28 Copy quote

• A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Horse, Humor

  29 Copy quote

• Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Law

  14 Copy quote

• Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Crush, Flower

  24 Copy quote

• Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Doubt

  "Dandelion Mind". Stand-up Comedy Tour, 2010.

  35 Copy quote

• Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

  "Is It Bill Bailey?". Comedy, Music, 1998.

  16 Copy quote

• Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, People

  15 Copy quote

• Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Dream, Country

  "Bill Bailey: Dandelion Mind". Documentary, Comedy, 2010.

  21 Copy quote

• In Unity there is strength;
  We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life -
  Without unity we are victims. Stay united.

  Bill Bailey

  Strength, Moving, Enjoy Life

  102 Copy quote

• How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Eight

  7 Copy quote

• I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  "Bill Bailey: Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

  4 Copy quote

• Thank God for Darwin, eh?

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Thank God

  "Dandelion Mind". Documentary, Comedy, 2010.

  11 Copy quote

• This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Past

  18 Copy quote

• The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Fire

  "Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

  23 Copy quote

• That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Religious, Humor

  "Bill Bailey: Part Troll". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2004.

  24 Copy quote

• It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

  Bill Bailey

  Funny, Humor, Outlook On Life

  "Tinselworm". Documentary, Comedy, 2008.

  9 Copy quote

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