Jimmy Carr Quotes

Quotes about:

• If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

  Jimmy Carr

  Years, Dying, Mosquitoes

  "Jimmy Carr: Being Funny". Video, 2011.

  27 Copy quote

• I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

  Jimmy Carr

  Saws, Helping, Obvious

  Jimmy Carr, Lucy Greeves (2006). “Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?”, p.186, Penguin

  28 Copy quote

• Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

  Jimmy Carr

  Sex, Tunnels, Phones

  31 Copy quote

• Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Girlfriend, Sex

  31 Copy quote

• A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Cancer, Humor

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

  31 Copy quote

• When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Summer, Humor

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

  25 Copy quote

• My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Girlfriend, Book

  51 Copy quote

• Say what you want about the deaf.

  Jimmy Carr

  Nihilism, Want, Deaf

  Jimmy Carr, Lucy Greeves (2006). “Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?”, p.128, Penguin

  82 Copy quote

• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Children, Humor

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

  42 Copy quote

• Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Eye

  Jimmy Carr, Lucy Greeves (2006). “Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?”, p.35, Penguin

  8 Copy quote

• I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

  29 Copy quote

• My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Fall, Humor

  25 Copy quote

• When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  Jimmy Carr, Lucy Greeves (2006). “Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?”, p.171, Penguin

  50 Copy quote

• Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

  Jimmy Carr

  Littles, Faces, Chlorine

  "QI". Comedy Panel Game, Series Four, Episode 01, September 29, 2006.

  13 Copy quote

• The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

  Jimmy Carr

  Jobs, Personality, Comedian

  "This much I know: Jimmy Carr". Interview with Euan Ferguson, www.theguardian.com. December 10, 2011.

  54 Copy quote

• I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

  29 Copy quote

• Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Humor, Cat

  "Jimmy Carr's 40 most memorable jokes: One-liners and videos galore to mark comic's 40th birthday" by Rob Leigh, www.mirror.co.uk. September 14, 2012.

  8 Copy quote

• My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Dad, Humor

  Jimmy Carr, Lucy Greeves (2006). “Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?”, p.191, Penguin

  9 Copy quote

• Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

  Jimmy Carr

  Dog, Sex, Believe

  34 Copy quote

• My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Sex, Dad

  10 Copy quote

• Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

  Jimmy Carr

  Children, Thinking, Men

  22 Copy quote

• Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Children, Self Esteem

  18 Copy quote

• There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Girlfriend, Humor

  15 Copy quote

• I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

  Jimmy Carr

  Funny, Moving, Humor

  13 Copy quote

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