Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
The second mouse gets the cheese!
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.
When people ask me what 'American Pie' means, I tell them it means I don't ever have to work again if I don't want to.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
All of us contain Music & Truth, but most of us can't get it out.
In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.
Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.
It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
My life needs editing.
When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
Dear America, I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana...You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange music and eat things you'd probably hire an exterminator to get out of your yard. We dance even if there's no radio. We drink at funerals. We talk too much and laugh too loud and live too large and, frankly, we're suspicious of others who don't.
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
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