Daniel Tosh Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Stereotype

  Song: One, Album: Happy Thoughts, 2011

• I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, War, Drinking

• The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Blow

  "Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts". Comedy, www.imdb.com.

• I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Talking

• You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Girl, Spiritual

  "Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh". Documentary, Comedy, 2003.

• How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Sex, Cheer

• Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts". www.imdb.com. 2011.

• Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Baby, Humor

  "Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts". www.imdb.com. 2011.

• If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Men, Virgins

• I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Ocean, Men

• I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Trying, Racist

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, San Francisco

  "Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts". www.imdb.com. 2011.

• I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Sports, Athlete

• I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Gay

• Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Pregnancy, Home

  "Comedy Central Presents: Daniel Tosh". Documentary, Comedy, 2003.

• I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Jesus, Eye

• It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Spring, Humor

• I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Jesus, Hate

  "Completely Serious". Comedy album by Daniel Tosh, June 17, 2007.

• I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Awards, Branches

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Hollywood, Looks

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Fans, Want

• It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Hbo, People

  "Daniel Tosh’s jokes sneak up on you while you’re already laughing". Interview with John Wenzel, www.denverpost.com. February 18, 2009.

• I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Speak English

  "True Stories I Made Up". Comedy album by Daniel Tosh, 2005.

• Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, People, Firsts

  "Daniel Tosh’s jokes sneak up on you while you’re already laughing". Interview with John Wenzel, www.denverpost.com. February 18, 2009.

• Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Independent, People

  "At the top of his stand-up game" by Delfin Vigil, www.sfgate.com. August 23, 2007.

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