Funny Quotes - Page 23

• All men are equal before fish.

  Herbert Hoover

  Witty, Laughter, Humorous

  1951 Quoted in Colin Jarman The Guinness Dictionary of Sports Quotations (1990).

  59 Copy quote

  Show source

• Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

  Katharine Hepburn

  Love, Life, Inspiring

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  33 Copy quote

  Show source

• But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

  Mark Twain

  Sympathy, Spiritual, Atheist

  Mark Twain (2012). “Autobiographical Writings”, p.338, Penguin

  137 Copy quote

  Show source

• If I ever wear a Chelsea shirt, you have permission to kill me.

  Cesc Fabregas

  Soccer, Football, T Shirt

  63 Copy quote

• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Witty, Clever, Smart

  "Strategic Grill Locations". Comedy album by Mitch Hedberg, 1999.

  25 Copy quote

  Show source

• Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they finished, they both lit up a cigarette and this woman stood up and said, Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment.

  Victoria Wood

  Sex, Couple, Women

  61 Copy quote

• But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

  Carl Sagan

  Brother, Laughter, Philosophy

  Broca's Brain ch. 5 (1979)

  78 Copy quote

  Show source

• Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there's nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don't have the money to buy both."-

  Janet Evanovich

  Men, Next Week, Shoes

  FaceBook post by Janet Evanovich from Feb 13, 2014

  28 Copy quote

  Show source

• The dog is a yes-animal. Very popular with people who can't afford a yes man.

  Robertson Davies

  Dog, Silly, Animal

  Robertson Davies (1949). “The Table Talk of Samuel Marchbanks”, Clarke, Irwin

  25 Copy quote

  Show source

• I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

  Jules Renard

  God, Sarcastic, Religious

  60 Copy quote

• If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

  Oscar Wilde

  Wisdom, Witty, Laughter

  Oscar Wilde “The Picture of Dorian Gray - and more”, Eighty Pence Books

  359 Copy quote

  Show source

• Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.

  E. B. White

  Witty, Humorous, Somewhere Else

  E. B. White (2011). “In the Words of E.B. White: Quotations from America's Most Companionable of Writers”, p.56, Cornell University Press

  16 Copy quote

  Show source

• Electricity is really just organized lightning.

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Lightning

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  27 Copy quote

  Show source

• I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Witty, Book, Humorous

  22 Copy quote

• The world is a globe — the farther you sail, the closer to home you are.

  Terry Pratchett

  Travel, Home, World

  "The Ghost Girl and the Naked Savage" by James Hynes, www.nytimes.com. December 05, 2008.

  13 Copy quote

  Show source

• It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.

  Terry Pratchett

  Life, Eye, Facts

  25 Copy quote

• Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

  Ross Macdonald

  Witty, Powerful, Humorous

  Ross Macdonald (2011). “The Drowning Pool”, p.28, Vintage Crime/Black Lizard

  30 Copy quote

  Show source

• You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

  Frank Zappa

  Football, Country, Witty

  Frank Zappa, Peter Occhiogrosso (1990). “Real Frank Zappa Book”, p.231, Simon and Schuster

  51 Copy quote

  Show source

• Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

  Marilyn vos Savant

  Witty, Humorous, Skills

  17 Copy quote

• Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Humor, Sleep, Naps

  41 Copy quote

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

  Groucho Marx

  Life, Sarcastic, Witty

  In Leo Rosten People I have Loved, Known or Admired (1970) "Groucho"

  82 Copy quote

  Show source

• Ya know it's funny, what's happening to us. Our lives have become digital. Our friends, now virtual. And, anything you could ever wanna know is just a click away. Experiencing the world through second hand information isn't enough. If we want authenticity we have to initiate it. We will never know our full potential unless we push ourselves to find it. It's this self-discovery that inevitably takes us to the wildest places on earth.

  Travis Rice

  Life, Motivational, Friendship

  370 Copy quote

• Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Life, Hilarious, Serial Killer

  Ellen DeGeneres (2011). “Seriously ... I'm Kidding”, p.9, HarperCollins Australia

  48 Copy quote

  Show source

• All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

  Lewis Black

  Halloween, Corn On The Cob, Candy Corn

  87 Copy quote

• A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

  H. L. Mencken

  Law, Justice, Judging

  46 Copy quote