Funny Quotes - Page 18

• I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Witty, Humorous, People

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

  Phyllis Diller

  Hilarious, Witty, Laughter

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.77, Penguin

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• I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

  Will Rogers

  Sarcastic, Witty, Humorous

  In Saturday Review 25 Aug. 1962

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  I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

  Demetri Martin

  Im Sorry, Witty, Jigsaw Puzzles

  "Comedy Central Presents/ Demetri Martin". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2004.

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• The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

  Dorothy Parker

  Life, Wisdom, Educational

  123 Copy quote

• It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

  Harry S. Truman

  Inspirational, Depression, Wisdom

  93 Copy quote

• The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

  Nicolas Chamfort

  Hilarious, Laughter, Useless Things

  44 Copy quote

• I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Witty, Humorous, Silly

  75 Copy quote

• Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

  James Thurber

  Witty, Maturity, Men

  93 Copy quote

• It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

  Joan Rivers

  Love, Long, Remember

  "The Quotable Quote Book" by Carol Publishing Group, (p. 258), 1990.

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• As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

  Andy Borowitz

  Believe, Stupid People, Understanding

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 06, 2012

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• If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

  Billy Wilder

  Inspiring, Sarcastic, Sweet

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

  Josh Billings

  Inspirational, Motivational, Success

  85 Copy quote

• It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

  Dave Barry

  Hilarious, Witty, Humorous

  Dave Barry (2013). “My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry”, p.100, Andrews McMeel Publishing

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• There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

  Jack E. Leonard

  Life, Death, Clever

  "The Comedian: It's Not Easy Being Mean" by Amy Nicholson, www.mtv.com. February 1, 2017.

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• Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

  David Letterman

  War, Humorous, Book

  "Only Joking: What's So Funny about Making People Laugh?". Book by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves, 2006.

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• A minister of state is excusable for the harm he does when the helm of government has forced his hand in a storm; but in the calm he is guilty of all the good he does not do.

  Voltaire

  Life, Failure, Humor

  "Le Siecle de Louis XIV (The Age of Louis XIV)". Book by Voltaire (Chapter VI), 1751.

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• Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

  George Carlin

  Laughter, Roof Over Your Head, Afterlife

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

  Dave Chappelle

  People, Comedy, Like You

  25 Copy quote

• The harder I work, the luckier I get.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Inspirational, Positive, Summer

  59 Copy quote

• Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.

  Stephen Fry

  Inspirational, Humorous, Book

  Twitter post from Mar 11, 2009

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• If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

  Steven Wright

  Humor, Styrofoam, Packs

  26 Copy quote

• There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

  Darynda Jones

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Novelists

  Darynda Jones (2012). “Third Grave Dead Ahead”, p.26, Macmillan

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• I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

  Robert Benchley

  Witty, Humorous, Knowledge

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• I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

  Groucho Marx

  Inspirational, Smile, Sarcastic

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  114 Copy quote

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