Funny Quotes - Page 17

• God is at home, it's we who have gone out for a walk.

  Meister Eckhart

  God, Home, Humor

  39 Copy quote

• How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

  Spike Milligan

  Witty, Humorous, Army

  54 Copy quote

• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Jack Benny

  Happy Birthday, Elderly, Lost Youth

  New York Times, 1974.

  55 Copy quote

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• I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Witty, Real, Humor

  63 Copy quote

• Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?

  Barbra Streisand

  Inspirational, Success, Anniversary

  15 Copy quote

• laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.

  Jessica Simpson

  Laughter, Weight Loss, Laughing

  49 Copy quote

• Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

  Jim Rohn

  Time, Light, Usa

  FaceBook post by Jim Rohn from Apr 06, 2013

  47 Copy quote

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  Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

  Marilyn Monroe

  Love, Relationship, Marriage

  110 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

  Quentin Crisp

  Success, Sarcastic, Failure

  "Writer, colorful gay figure Quentin Crisp dead at 90". www.cnn.com. November 21, 1999.

  19 Copy quote

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• He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

  Victor Borge

  Sarcastic, Witty, Sarcasm

  65 Copy quote

• Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

  Woody Allen

  Life, Errors, Keyboards

  36 Copy quote

• There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.

  Dave Navarro

  Depression, Suicide, Hope

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  79 Copy quote

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• If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

  Chuck Palahniuk

  Love, Broken Heart, Freedom

  85 Copy quote

• Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

  Bill Vaughan

  Happiness, Witty, Money

  66 Copy quote

• A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Inspirational, Women, Humor

  69 Copy quote

• I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

  George Burns

  Humorous, Kids, Age

  26 Copy quote

• Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.

  Oliver Goldsmith

  Witty, Lying, Questions And Answers

  Oliver Goldsmith (1898). “She Stoops to Conquer; Or, The Mistakes of a Night: A Comedy ...”

  43 Copy quote

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• Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, People

  Pudd'nhead Wilson ch. 15, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" (1894)

  49 Copy quote

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• You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

  Lewis Grizzard

  Dog, Attitude, Cat

  1362 Copy quote

• Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.

  Yul Brynner

  Girl, Witty, Women

  43 Copy quote

• Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

  Joey Adams

  Life, Birthday, Witty

  Joey Adams (1981). “Strictly for laughs”, A & W Publishers, Inc.

  73 Copy quote

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• I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

  Steven Wright

  Life, Gone, Sock

  25 Copy quote

• The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

  Arthur Schopenhauer

  Writing, Humor, Epic

  Arthur Schopenhauer (2016). “101 Facts of life”, p.12, Publishdrive

  102 Copy quote

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• Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Love, Marriage, Valentines Day

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.155, University of Georgia Press

  44 Copy quote

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• Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.

  Charles M. Schulz

  Life, Happiness, Leadership

  122 Copy quote