Funny Quotes - Page 12

• Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

  Oscar Wilde

  Inspirational, Life, Witty

  Oscar Wilde (2005). “The Prose of Oscar Wilde”, p.641, Cosimo, Inc.

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• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

  Steven Wright

  Witty, Humorous, Book

  13 Copy quote

• Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

  Andy Borowitz

  Christmas, Religious, Xmas

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 23, 2012

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• Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.

  Bill Hicks

  Dream, Witty, Philosophy

  "Sane Man". Documentary, Comedy, 1989.

  186 Copy quote

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• The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth

  Jim Harrison

  Happiness, Wine, Simple

  333 Copy quote

• If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

  Oliver Hardy

  Humorous, Noise, Quiet

  78 Copy quote

• I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

  Henny Youngman

  Money, Motivation, Needs

  52 Copy quote

• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

  Rita Mae Brown

  Friendship, Depressing, Crazy

  Rita Mae Brown (1989). “Starting from Scratch: A Different Kind of Writers' Manual”, Bantam

  93 Copy quote

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• The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either.

  Ricky Gervais

  Knowing, Advice, Comedian

  136 Copy quote

• Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

  Groucho Marx

  Love, Witty, Crazy

  153 Copy quote

• Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

  Charlton Heston

  Sarcastic, Witty, Atheist

  "Appreciation: Charlton Heston" by Richard Corliss, content.time.com. April 6, 2008.

  81 Copy quote

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• Sometimes you lie in bed at night, and you don't have a single thing to worry about...That always worries me!

  Charles M. Schulz

  Single, Lying, Night

  "Fictional character: Charlie Brown". "Peanuts" comic strip by Charles M. Schulz, July 6, 1985.

  15 Copy quote

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• Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

  Mae West

  Love, Money, Humor

  147 Copy quote

• Change is not a four letter word...but often your reaction to it is!

  Jeffrey Gitomer

  Inspirational, Witty, Four

  Twitter post from Feb 05, 2016

  24 Copy quote

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• Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

  Oscar Wilde

  Sarcastic, Freedom, 4th Of July

  'The Soul of Man under Socialism'

  131 Copy quote

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• Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

  Rita Mae Brown

  Inspirational, Birthday, Laughter

  50 Copy quote

• A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

  Dennis Miller

  Running, Humor, Police

  26 Copy quote

• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

  Charles Lamb

  Hilarious, Witty, Retirement

  72 Copy quote

• Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog

  Li Ching-Yuen

  Inspirational, Dog, Humorous

  85 Copy quote

• I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze.

  Anthony Ward Clark

  Dog, Lazy People, Window

  19 Copy quote

• If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

  Abraham Lincoln

  Witty, Powerful, Humorous

  72 Copy quote

• A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

  Denis Waitley

  Inspirational, Success, Perseverance

  72 Copy quote

• The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

  Kin Hubbard

  Inspirational, Money, Gambling

  87 Copy quote

• When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Depression, Spiritual

  Mark Twain, Bob Blaisdell (2013). “The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain”, p.31, Courier Corporation

  88 Copy quote

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• Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

  Helen Rowland

  Birthday, Marriage, Men

  Irvin S. Cobb, Mary Roberts Rinehart, Helen Rowland, Richard Saunders (2017). “We Should All Be So Feminine: We Should All Be a Feminist: We Should All Be Feminists”, p.53, Lulu.com

  105 Copy quote

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