Funny Quotes - Page 8

• The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

  Jay Leno

  Christmas, Wise, Religious

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  104 Copy quote

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• Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

  Will Rogers

  Smile, Money, Art

  110 Copy quote

• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Success, Hilarious

  80 Copy quote

• A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Inspirational, Witty, Laughter

  Everybody's Political What's What? ch. 30 (1944)

  158 Copy quote

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• If women ran the world, we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

  Robin Williams

  Inspirational, Strong Women, War

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  191 Copy quote

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• There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

  Keith Richards

  Humorous, Men, Doors

  289 Copy quote

• On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

  H. L. Mencken

  Heart, Land, White

  The Baltimore Sun, July 26, 1920.

  317 Copy quote

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• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

  Elayne Boosler

  Life, Hilarious, Laughter

  89 Copy quote

• When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

  Sydney J. Harris

  Inspirational, Life, Positive

  Sydney J. Harris (1953). “Strictly personal”

  123 Copy quote

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• Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.

  Harry Emerson Fosdick

  Inspirational, Sad, Leadership

  "As I See Religion". Book by Harry Emerson Fosdick, 1932.

  611 Copy quote

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• The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

  Harry Browne

  Sarcastic, Integrity, Humorous

  92 Copy quote

• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Fitness

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.31, St. Martin's Press

  170 Copy quote

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• Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

  Sydney J. Harris

  Love, Change, Hate

  143 Copy quote

• Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor.

  H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

  Inspirational, Graduation, Dance

  105 Copy quote

• I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

  Billy Connolly

  Witty, Humorous, Army

  143 Copy quote

• The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

  Fred Allen

  Clever, Church Choir, Two

  59 Copy quote

• They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

  Clint Eastwood

  Sarcastic, Heaven, Confusing

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  135 Copy quote

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• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

  Phyllis Diller

  Family, Mom, Mother

  77 Copy quote

• Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

  Ray Romano

  Fathers Day, Children, Dad

  67 Copy quote

• Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Sarcastic, Time

  "Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Vol. 1 1852-1890".

  254 Copy quote

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• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

  George Carlin

  Money, Work, Stupid People

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.206, Hachette UK

  91 Copy quote

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• Let me remind you that this is God's universe, and He is doing things His way. You may think you have a better way, but you don't have a universe to rule.

  J. Vernon McGee

  God, Christian, Teacher

  "Thru the Bible with Dr. J. Vernon McGee".

  347 Copy quote

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• A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

  Laurence J. Peter

  Laughter, Men, Thinking

  53 Copy quote

• I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

  Douglas Adams

  Witty, Humor, Answers

  60 Copy quote

• For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.

  Marc Maron

  Humor, Next, Tricks

  22 Copy quote