Funny Quotes - Page 5

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Life, Birthday, Hilarious

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

  Groucho Marx

  Inspirational, Cat, Humor

  180 Copy quote

• I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

  Stephen Fry

  Witty, I Don't Need You, Age

  16 Copy quote

• Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Motivational, Happiness

  263 Copy quote

• A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

  Winston Churchill

  Truth, Honesty, Lying

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  310 Copy quote

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• When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

  Norm Crosby

  Hilarious, Smart, Humor

  333 Copy quote

• If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Giving, I Believe, Vodka

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

  756 Copy quote

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  True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Running, Country, Bullying

  Kurt Vonnegut (2013). “If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young”, p.88, RosettaBooks

  208 Copy quote

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  The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

  Andy Rooney

  Inspirational, Dog, Silly

  188 Copy quote

• I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

  Ronald Reagan

  Sarcastic, Running, Wisdom

  443 Copy quote

• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

  Oscar Wilde

  Clever, Hipster, Writing

  Oscar Wilde (2007). “Epigrams of Oscar Wilde”, p.153, Wordsworth Editions

  532 Copy quote

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• The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

  Robert Bloch

  Smile, Hilarious, Witty

  120 Copy quote

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  Steven Wright

  Clever, Business, Smart

  81 Copy quote
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  By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.

  Robert Frost

  Motivational, Hilarious, Business

  243 Copy quote
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  Women are made to be loved, not understood.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Sarcastic, Confused

  Oscar Wilde (2016). “Aphorisms”, p.3, Oscar Wilde

  631 Copy quote

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• It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

  Andy Borowitz

  Money, Nice, School

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 09, 2012

  77 Copy quote

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• Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

  Robert Orben

  Birthday, Fitness, Witty

  38 Copy quote

• If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

  Dick Cavett

  Inspirational, Children, Humorous

  50 Copy quote
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  If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.

  Terry Pratchett

  Motivational, Trust, Dream

  FaceBook post by Terry Pratchett from Aug 28, 2015

  65 Copy quote

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• Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

  Robin Williams

  Witty, Humorous, Moving

  "Fictional character: Mork". "Mork & Mindy/ Mork in Love", www.imdb.com. 1978.

  117 Copy quote

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• Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.

  Robert A. Heinlein

  Life, Motivational, Men

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  65 Copy quote

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• 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

  George Carlin

  Marriage, Sarcastic, Witty

  57 Copy quote

• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

  Albert Einstein

  Hilarious, Education, Witty

  Albert Einstein (2015). “Bite-Size Einstein: Quotations on Just About Everything from the Greatest Mind of the Twentieth Century”, p.32, St. Martin's Press

  359 Copy quote

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• To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

  Doug Larson

  Inspirational, Life, Erring

  126 Copy quote

• A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

  Walter Bagehot

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  Walter Bagehot (1858). “Estimates of Some Englishmen and Scotchmen”, p.272

  128 Copy quote

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