Demetri Martin Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Heart

  "Why Demetri Martin's new show is an Important Thing not to miss" by Will Dean, www.theguardian.com. September 24, 2009.

• I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Witty

  "Comedy Central Presents/ Demetri Martin". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2004.

• I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Song, Humor

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

• When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Humor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Christmas, Jesus

• It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Adults

  "Demetri Martin. Person". Documentary, Comedy, Music, www.imdb.com. 2007.

• People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Life, Country

• I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Writing, Humor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Morning, Believe

  "Comedy Central Presents: Demetri Martin". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 2004.

• I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Birthday, Christmas

  "Comedy Central Presents/ Demetri Martin". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2004.

• If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Moving, Humor

  "'Comedy Central Presents' ('Demetri Martin')". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. March 19, 2004.

• I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Humor

  TV Series "Comedy Central Presents" ("Demetri Martin", 2004), www.imdb.com. (1998– ).

• I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Flower, Humor

• The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Witty

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Book, Humor

• A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, People

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Life, Bookstores

• If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Size

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Sports, Humor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Balloons

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Moving

  "'Comedy Central Presents' ('Demetri Martin')". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. March 19, 2004.

• Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Humor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  "Demetri Martin: Wry comic originally planned to be a lawyer". Interview with Chad Jones, www.sfgate.com. May 7, 2014.

• I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Gay

  "Demetri Martin. Person". Documentary, Comedy, Music, www.imdb.com. 2007.

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