Funny Quotes - Page 11

• Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

  Anton Chekhov

  Humor, Doctors, Law

  Ivanov I

  167 Copy quote

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• To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

  Paul R. Ehrlich

  Inspirational, Witty, Technology

  75 Copy quote

• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

  George Carlin

  Hilarious, Witty, Home

  George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.43, Hachette UK

  35 Copy quote

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• A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

  Robert Orben

  Graduation, Senior, Education

  "A Few Tips for the Graduates". The Topeka Capital-Journal, abcnews.go.com. May 20, 2007.

  55 Copy quote

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• Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

  Mark Twain

  Witty, Baby, Humorous

  77 Copy quote

• The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

  Jackie Gleason

  Inspiring, Food, Humor

  122 Copy quote

• Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

  Sam Levenson

  Mothers Day, Hilarious, Mom

  51 Copy quote

• Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

  Will Rogers

  Hilarious, Parenting, Political Will

  The Illiterate Digest "Warning to Jokers: Lay Off the Prince" (1924)

  101 Copy quote

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• The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

  Josh Billings

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  Josh Billings (1874). “Josh Billings' Wit and Humor”, p.208

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• Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

  Laurence J. Peter

  Positive, Witty, Art

  "Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time". Book by Laurence J. Peter, p. 362, 1977.

  120 Copy quote

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• When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

  Garry Shandling

  Sleep, Legs, Way

  137 Copy quote

• Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

  Jim Davis

  Hilarious, Witty, Food

  100 Copy quote

• Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

  Oprah Winfrey

  Inspirational, Life, Friendship

  417 Copy quote

• Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.

  Joan Collins

  Birthday, Wine, Numbers

  81 Copy quote

• History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

  Abba Eban

  Sarcastic, War, Sarcasm

  Speech in London, 16 Dec. 1970, in The Times 17 Dec. 1970

  79 Copy quote

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• Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

  W. C. Fields

  Witty, Clever, Smart

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  96 Copy quote

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• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

  Redd Foxx

  Lying, Stupid, Crazy

  86 Copy quote

• I ain't afraid to love a man. I ain't afraid to shoot him either.

  Annie Oakley

  Love, Men, Shooting

  343 Copy quote

• Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Cute, Inspiring

  75 Copy quote

• What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

  Oscar Levant

  Humility, Pride, Needs

  "On the 8th Day - God Laughed". Book by Gene Perret, p. 95, 1995.

  57 Copy quote

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• The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

  Frank Zappa

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Law

  "W. C. Privy's Original Bathroom Companion". Book by Erin Barrett and Jack Mingo (p. 134), 2003.

  176 Copy quote

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• Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

  Mark Twain

  Witty, Powerful, Humorous

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.29, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

  16 Copy quote

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• If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

  Henny Youngman

  Good Morning, Laughter, Sorry

  97 Copy quote

• Being bored is an insult to oneself.

  Jules Renard

  Humorous, Self, Boredom

  Jules Renard (2008). “The Journal of Jules Renard”, p.62, Tin House Books

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• You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.

  Solomon Schechter

  Inspirational, Want, Ifs

  55 Copy quote