Funny Quotes - Page 15

• A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.

  Oscar Wilde

  Inspirational, Witty, Men

  Oscar Wilde (2016). “Aphorisms”, p.64, Oscar Wilde

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• My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

  Mike Myers

  Witty, Humorous, Cuisine

  33 Copy quote

• Ninety percent of this game is half mental.

  Yogi Berra

  Baseball, Yankees, Games

  26 Copy quote

• I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

  Arthur C. Clarke

  Inspirational, Believe, Science

  105 Copy quote

• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Sarcastic, Humble, Humor

  43 Copy quote

• What's another word for Thesaurus?

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Silly, Humor

  "Historical Thesaurus of the Oxford English Dictionary, edited by Christian Kay, Jane Roberts, Michael Samuels & Irené Wotherspoon" by Steven Poole, www.theguardian.com. December 18, 2009.

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• Love is just a word, but you bring it definition.

  Eminem

  Love, Definitions, Inspirational Love

  221 Copy quote

• Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away

  Benjamin Franklin

  Laughter, Humor, Doors

  27 Copy quote

• I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

  David Lee Roth

  Life, Sports, Witty

  "Roth Army" by Oliver Hurley, www.theguardian.com. August 27, 2004.

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• Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

  Oscar Wilde

  Inspirational, Sarcastic, Education

  Oscar Wilde (2014). “The Wit and Wisdom of Oscar Wilde”, p.127, Courier Corporation

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• Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Witty, Humorous, Men

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I never said most of the things I said.

  Yogi Berra

  Baseball, Witty, Yankees

  "Yogi Berra, baseball Hall of Famer and New York Yankees catcher, dies at 90" by Alan Evans, www.theguardian.com. September 23, 2015.

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• If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.

  Stan Laurel

  Funeral, Cry, Speak

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

  Helen Rowland

  Marriage, Girl, Witty

  Quoted in Evan Esar, The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949)

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• Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

  Mae West

  Two, Evil, Wickedness

  Klondike Annie (motion picture) (1936) See Homer 5

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• As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

  David Sedaris

  Children, Growing Up, Thinking

  8 Copy quote

• Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Running, Witty, Jobs

  34 Copy quote

• Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

  Martha Scott

  Dog, Mistake, Humor

  96 Copy quote

• A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

  Mark Twain

  Motivational, Business, Rain

  Mark Twain, R. Kent Rasmussen (1997). “The quotable Mark Twain: his essential aphorisms, witticisms & concise opinions”, McGraw-Hill/Contemporary

  107 Copy quote

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• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

  Steven Wright

  Country, Witty, Laughter

  99 Copy quote

• I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

  Tom Lehrer

  Cute Love, Sarcastic, Clever

  63 Copy quote

• Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

  Brian Kernighan

  Inspirational, Smart, Humorous

  93 Copy quote

• A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.

  Oscar Wilde

  Sarcastic, Witty, Women

  Oscar Wilde (2014). “The Wit and Wisdom of Oscar Wilde”, p.13, Courier Corporation

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• A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

  Milton Berle

  Inspirational, Witty, Time

  25 Copy quote
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  People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

  Demetri Martin

  Life, Country, Freedom

  30 Copy quote