Funny Quotes - Page 19

• War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Peace, Military, War

  98 Copy quote

• If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

  Cynthia Heimel

  Sarcastic, Ifs

  Cynthia Heimel (2002). “If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?!”, Grove Press

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• Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

  Oscar Wilde

  Sarcastic, Fashion, Work

  Oscar Wilde “The Picture of Dorian Gray - and more”, Eighty Pence Books

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• I hate women because they always know where things are.

  Voltaire

  Inspirational, Cute, Hate

  83 Copy quote

• Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.

  Mordecai Wyatt Johnson

  Dog, Compassion, Opportunity

  51 Copy quote

• Free your mind and your ass will follow

  George Clinton

  Inspirational, Life, Beautiful

  George Clinton (2014). “Brothas Be, Yo Like George, Ain't That Funkin' Kinda Hard On You?: A Memoir”, p.360, Simon and Schuster

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• Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

  Red Skelton

  Running, Laughter, Children

  104 Copy quote

• Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

  R. D. Laing

  Life, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Funny Life

  64 Copy quote
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  My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

  Jack Benny

  Love, Relationship, Marriage

  74 Copy quote

• It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.

  Alan Alda

  Happiness, Money, Sarcasm

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• If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

  Rob Corddry

  Witty, Humorous, People

  58 Copy quote

• I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

  Chic Murray

  Dog, Mad, Vets

  46 Copy quote

• There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

  Henry A. Kissinger

  Inspirational, Witty, Time

  The New York Times Magazine, June 01, 1969.

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• Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

  Ronald Reagan

  Laughter, Patriotic, Politics

  36 Copy quote

• You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

  Matt Groening

  Life, Trying, Lessons

  38 Copy quote

• In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We're only one God away from total agreement.

  Michael Shermer

  God, Atheist, Past

  83 Copy quote

• By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?

  Golda Meir

  Humorous, Oil, Way

  95 Copy quote

• Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

  Jim Carrey

  Laughter, Women, Humorous

  141 Copy quote

• Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Friendship, Reading

  Mark Twain (2015). “Bite-Size Twain: Wit and Wisdom from the Literary Legend”, p.28, St. Martin's Press

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• Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

  Groucho Marx

  Witty, Girlfriend, Crazy

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• A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.

  Elbert Hubbard

  Smile, Men, Hands

  26 Copy quote

• I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

  Paula Poundstone

  Mother, Money, Women

  "On Location: Women of the Night". Comedy, 1987.

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• Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

  Edward de Bono

  Wisdom, Humorous, Creativity

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• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

  Shirley Temple

  Christmas, Mother, Witty

  Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

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• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Death, Sarcastic

  Quoted in Eric Lax, Woody Allen and His Comedy (1975)

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