Funny Quotes - Page 22

• The lack of money is the root of all evil.

  Mark Twain

  Bible, Sarcastic, Money

  Mark Twain, John Sutton Tuckey (1980). “The Devil's Race-track: Mark Twain's Great Dark Writings : the Best from Which was the Dream? and Fables of Man”, p.337, Univ of California Press

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• TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

  Frank Lloyd Wright

  Witty, Humorous, Eye

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• The Heimlich maneuver works on house pets. My pit bull was choking on his dinner. I squeezed his stomach and the neighbor's cat shot right out.

  Scott Wood

  Dog, Cat, House

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• Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

  Cathy Guisewite

  Love, Mother, Witty

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• There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.

  Benjamin Spock

  Mother, Children, Kids

  35 Copy quote

• I know a way to stay friends forever, There's really nothing to it, I tell you what to do, And you do it.

  Shel Silverstein

  Reality, Forever, Way

  Shel Silverstein, “Friendship”

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• My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

  Zsa Zsa Gabor

  Life, Witty, Humorous

  "Wit and wisdom: Zsa Zsa Gabor's best and most memorable quotes". www.theguardian.com. December 19, 2016.

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• I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

  Arnold Schwarzenegger

  Success, Witty, Motivational Sports

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• There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

  Dennis Miller

  Long Distance Relationship, Witty, Humorous

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• Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

  Mae West

  Witty, Appreciation, Psychics

  Goodness Had Nothing to DoWith It ch. 21 (1959)

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• We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

  Karl Pilkington

  Iron, Age, Stones

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• Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.

  Gordon R. Dickson

  Inspirational, Wall, Crazy

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• Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

  Garrison Keillor

  Christian, Religious, Humor

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• To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

  Rita Rudner

  Inspirational, Hilarious, Witty

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• Life is so unlike theory.

  Anthony Trollope

  Life, Literature, Theory

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  Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

  Hedy Lamarr

  Beauty, Girl, Sarcastic

  Quoted in Richard Schickel, The Stars (1962)

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• It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.

  George H. W. Bush

  Stupid, Patriotic, Political

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• Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.

  Cynthia Heimel

  Dog, Way, Shame

  Cynthia Heimel (2004). “Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I'm Kissing You Good-bye”

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• Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

  Joey Adams

  Marriage, Witty, Giving

  Joey Adams (1957). “Cindy and I: The Real Life Adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Joey Adams”

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• Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

  Josh Billings

  Witty, Humorous, Water

  Josh Billings (1972). “Uncle Sam's Uncle Josh: Or, Josh Billings on Practically Everything, Distilled from Josh's Rum and Tansy New England Wit by Donald Day”

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• A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

  Samuel Goldwyn

  Movie, Silly, Agreement

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  Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

  Robin Williams

  Life, Inspiration, Reality

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• What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

  Bill Bailey

  Humor, Long, Beard

  "Cosmic Jam". Bill Bailey's live at London's Bloomsbury Theatre, 1995.

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• Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

  Sharon Stone

  Relationship, Sexy, Fake People

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  There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

  Chris Rock

  Hilarious, Laughter, Love You

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