Funny Quotes - Page 20

• Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

  Woody Allen

  Life, Art, Business

  2000 In The Guardian, 31Dec.

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• Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

  Desmond Morris

  Science, Talking, Female

  42 Copy quote

• Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

  Phyllis Diller

  Dog, Shepherds, Nails

  41 Copy quote

• I've come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.

  John Fugelsang

  Christian, Jesus, Views

  150 Copy quote

• In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

  Mark Twain

  Humorous, Eye, Paris

  Mark Twain (2008). “The Innocents Abroad”, p.645, Velvet Element Books

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• A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

  Winston Churchill

  Sarcastic, Laughter, War

  92 Copy quote
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  Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

  Mark Twain

  Cute, God, Christian

  Mark Twain (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)”, p.9262, Delphi Classics

  114 Copy quote

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• If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

  Yogi Berra

  Happiness, Baseball, Travel

  Yogi: It Ain't Over (1989)

  59 Copy quote

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• I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

  Groucho Marx

  Life, Witty, Humorous

  40 Copy quote

• Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Dog, Egypt, Pyramids

  31 Copy quote

• The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

  Reinhard Bonnke

  God, Faith, Christian

  Reinhard Bonnke (2017). “Holy Spirit Are We Flammable or Fireproof?”, p.37, CFAN Publications

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• Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money.

  Satchel Paige

  Witty, Money, Two

  23 Copy quote

• You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Dog, Crazy, Pockets

  21 Copy quote

• Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

  Lewis Grizzard

  Marriage, Hilarious, Wedding

  1279 Copy quote

• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

  Groucho Marx

  Witty, Laughter, Crazy

  59 Copy quote

• I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.

  John Wayne

  Country, Military, Stupid

  45 Copy quote

• If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.

  Harry S. Truman

  Hilarious, Dog, Witty

  "The Wit & Wisdom of Harry Truman".

  62 Copy quote

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• If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

  Johnny Carson

  Life, Clever, Would Be

  36 Copy quote

• We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

  Elayne Boosler

  Military, Humor, Fighting

  28 Copy quote

• I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

  Molly Ivins

  Humorous, Political, Flags

  263 Copy quote

• Age is something that doesn't matter unless you're a cheese

  Luis Bunuel

  Cheese Sandwiches, 50th Birthday, Age

  29 Copy quote

• Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

  Aldous Huxley

  Sarcastic, Laughter, Fear

  "Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time" by Laurence J. Peter, (p. 239), 1979.

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• I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

  Mark Twain

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Self

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.442, Courier Corporation

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• They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

  Garrison Keillor

  Death, Nice, People

  44 Copy quote

• A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

  Bill Vaughan

  Freedom, Humorous, Ocean

  40 Copy quote