Funny Quotes - Page 21

• I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

  Elayne Boosler

  Inspirational, Women, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Marriage, Hilarious, Sarcastic

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• Dachshund: A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long.

  H. L. Mencken

  Dog, Long, Dachshunds

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• Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

  Rita Rudner

  Marriage, Pain, Humor

  Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.86, Crown Archetype

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• You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

  Milton Berle

  Inspiring, Graduation, Witty

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• Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

  Jane Wagner

  Illusions Of Grandeur, Delusions Of Grandeur, Feels

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• It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

  Jerome K. Jerome

  Truth, Liars, Lying

  The Idler Feb. 1892, p. 118

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• Architecture is the art of how to waste space.

  Philip Johnson

  Art, Badass, Bad Ass

  New York Times 27 Dec. 1964, p. 9E

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• The funniest things are the forbidden.

  Mark Twain

  Humorous, Novelists, Forbidden Things

  Mark Twain (1976). “Mark Twain's Notebooks & Journals, Volume II: (1877-1883)”, p.304, Univ of California Press

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• 

  An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

  Dylan Thomas

  Drinking, Food, Wine

  Dictionary of 20th Century Quotations quoted by Nigel Rees. Fontana London (1987)

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• The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled

  Ric Charlesworth

  Change, Sports, Humorous

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• The difference between screwing around and science is writing it down.

  Adam Savage

  Writing, Science, Differences

  TV Series "MythBusters" ("Bouncing Bullet", 2012), (2003- ).

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• A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'.

  Anne Hathaway

  Women, Humorous, Ignorance

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• Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.

  H. L. Mencken

  Crazy, Silly, Morality

  A Book of Burlesques ch. 11 (1920)

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• Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.

  Moliere

  Love, Money, Sex

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• We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

  Robin Williams

  Humor, Simple, Cities

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  I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

  Bob Hope

  Inspirational, Life, Family

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• A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.

  Samuel Butler

  Crazy, Silly, Science

  Life and Habit ch. 8 (1877)

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• Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

  Craig Kilborn

  Dog, Successful, Men

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• I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

  Victor Borge

  Family, Sarcastic, Children

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• A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.

  Will Rogers

  Sarcastic, Hurt, Truth

  Will Rogers, James Smallwood, Steven K. Gragert (1982). “Will Rogers' Weekly Articles: The Hoover years, 1929-1931”

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• Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

  George Burns

  Teacher, Witty, Retirement

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• There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

  George W. Bush

  Stupid, Humorous, Silly

  "Political Gaffes to Spark Any Party". Interview with John Ydstie, www.npr.org. November 5, 2006.

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• In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

  George Carlin

  Witty, Firsts, Speak

  George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

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• Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

  Bill Maher

  Witty, Humorous, Disease

  Bill Maher (2010). “Does Anybody Have a Problem with That?: The Best of Politically Incorrect”, p.189, Ballantine Books

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