Funny Quotes - Page 24

• I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

  J. Paul Getty

  Teamwork, Humorous, Men

  142 Copy quote

• Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

  Anna Magnani

  Birthday, Humorous, Wrinkles

  "Philip French's screen legends" by Philip French, www.theguardian.com. April 19, 2008.

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• I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Witty, Cheating

  Audio CD "Woody Allen: Stand-Up Comic 1964-1968", 1999.

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• Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

  Bill Cosby

  Mom, Children, Parenting

  Twitter post from Nov 02, 2009

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• There were many times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

  Jonathan Swift

  Life, Money, Heads Or Tails

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• My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

  Jean Rostand

  Pessimism, Sincerity, Cynicism

  28 Copy quote

• In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

  Douglas Adams

  God, Crazy, Anger

  The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "Fit the Fifth" (radio program) (1978)

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• Although always prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it should be postponed.

  Winston Churchill

  Military, Preparation, Belief

  "My Early Life: 1874-1904".

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• Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so irritating.

  Bill Gates

  Success, Business, Would Be

  "Why I Hate Spam" by Bill Gates, www.wsj.com. June 23, 2003.

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• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

  Robert Frost

  Inspirational, Witty, Money

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• How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

  Emo Philips

  Inspirational, Witty, Laughter

  "E=MO²". Comedy Album, 1985.

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• Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure!

  Oscar Wilde

  Marriage, Married, Pleasure

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• I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Education, Witty

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• Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

  George Carlin

  Death, Long, Dying

  88 Copy quote

• My dad used to say to me, 'You look more like me than I do.'

  Dhani Harrison

  Dad, Humorous, Musician

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Where are the dogs going? you people who pay so little attention ask. They are going about their business. And they are very punctilious, without wallets, notes, and without briefcases.

  Charles Baudelaire

  Dog, People, Attention

  27 Copy quote

• Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

  Bill Hicks

  Jobs, Children, Humor

  65 Copy quote

• If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

  Joan Rivers

  Witty, Women, Humorous

  Quoted in Colin JarmanThe Guinness Dictionary of Sports Quotations (1990).

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• If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.

  Bill Vaughan

  Hater, Witty, Being Different

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• Hands up if you’re ready to do something you’ll regret this weekend. Go forth! You have my blessing.

  Florence Welch

  Regret, Blessing, Weekend

  59 Copy quote

• Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.

  Laurence J. Peter

  Wisdom, Children, Science

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• Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.

  Billie Holiday

  Marriage, Hilarious, Mom

  Billie Holiday, William Dufty (2011). “Lady Sings the Blues: The 50th-Anniversay Edition with a Revised Discography”, p.13, Broadway Books

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• I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

  Oscar Wilde

  Sarcastic, Unbearable, Use

  Oscar Wilde (2007). “The Collected Works of Oscar Wilde”, p.30, Wordsworth Editions

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• The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.

  John Maynard Keynes

  Business, Humor, Intellectual

  "A Dictionary of Scientific Quotations" by Alan L. MacKay, (p. 140), 1977.

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• I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

  W. C. Fields

  Witty, Drinking, Food

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