Funny Quotes - Page 26

• Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.

  Adam Smith

  Dog, Animal, Men

  95 Copy quote

• Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

  Groucho Marx

  Death, Watches, Comedy

  A Day at the Races (motion picture) (1937). Screenplay by Robert Pirosh, George Seaton, and George Oppenheimer.

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• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

  Zsa Zsa Gabor

  Lost Love, Women, Divorce

  "How to Catch a Man, how to Keep a Man, how to Get Rid of a Man". Book by Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1970.

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• What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

  Oscar Wilde

  Inspirational, Leadership, Wisdom

  'Lady Windermere's Fan' (1892) act 3

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• Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Money, Badass, Science

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.17, University of Georgia Press

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• Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It's funny, isn't it? We take a day a year to dress up in costumes and celebrate fear.

  James Spader

  Life, Relationship, Fear

  "The Office: Spooked". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 2011.

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• When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

  Richard Lewis

  Love, Witty, Humorous

  48 Copy quote

• Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.

  Oscar Wilde

  Inspirational, Cat, Men

  761 Copy quote

• I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure - that is all that agnosticism means.

  Clarence Darrow

  Witty, Powerful, Humorous

  Speech at Scopes trial, Dayton, Tenn., 15 July 1925

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• 

  If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

  Yogi Berra

  Inspirational, Success, Graduation

  "Yogi Berra, baseball Hall of Famer and New York Yankees catcher, dies at 90" by Alan Evans, www.theguardian.com. September 23, 2015.

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• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

  Mae West

  Witty, Women, White

  In Joseph Weintraub Peel Me a Grape (1975) p. 47

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• It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.

  Eugene Ionesco

  Education, Teaching, Asking Questions

  "Choosing the Future: The Power of Strategic Thinking". Book by Stuart Wells, p. 15, 1997.

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• I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

  Jim Carrey

  Stupid, Support, Parent

  61 Copy quote

• For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it.

  Karl Lagerfeld

  Inspirational, Time, Humorous

  36 Copy quote

• Always enter like a kitten and leave like a lion. But NEVER enter like a lion and leave like a kitten. Always be humble.

  Carlson Gracie

  Inspirational, Sports, Humorous

  64 Copy quote

• There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a pencilling

  Robert Breault

  Witty, Humorous

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• Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.

  W. W. Jacobs

  Dream, Humorous, Wish

  "The Monkeys Paw". Short story by W. W. Jacobs, 1902.

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• My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes.

  Douglas Adams

  Humor, Doctors, Hitchhiking

  Douglas Adams (2012). “The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Radio Scripts Volume 2: The Tertiary, Quandary and Quintessential Phases”, p.42, Pan Macmillan

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• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

  Mae West

  Sexy, Strong Women, Rewards And Recognition

  Belle of the Nineties (motion picture) (1934)

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• I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

  Winston Churchill

  Beauty, Sarcastic, Morning

  32 Copy quote

• Keep running after a dog and he will never bite you.

  Francois Rabelais

  Running, Dog, Bites

  Francois Rabelais “Gargantua and Pantagruel: Five Books of the Lives, Heroic Deeds and Sayings of Gargantua and his Son Pantagruel”, Library of Alexandria

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• I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

  Rita Rudner

  Inspirational, Humor, Vegetarianism

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• You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.

  Melanie Clark Pullen

  Love, Relationship, Humorous

  35 Copy quote

• Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

  Jay Leno

  Food, Cooking, Soup

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• It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

  W. Somerset Maugham

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  The Mixture as Before "The Treasure" (1940)

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