Chic Murray Quotes

Quotes about:

• After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Wife

  "One-line genius" by Duncan Campbell, www.theguardian.com. March 16, 2007.

  50 Copy quote

• I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Dog, Mad

  46 Copy quote

• If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Hell

  4 Copy quote

• I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Morning, Humor

  12 Copy quote

• I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Teacher, Humor

  7 Copy quote

• I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Cowboy

  15 Copy quote

• So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Lying, Fall

  19 Copy quote

• I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Want

  12 Copy quote

• I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Scotch

  11 Copy quote

• The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Eggs

  18 Copy quote

• My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Father, Humor

  10 Copy quote

• She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Tattoo, Girl

  17 Copy quote

• My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Nice, Humor

  11 Copy quote

• My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Parent

  14 Copy quote

• My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Mother, Father

  15 Copy quote

• My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Dog, Humor

  12 Copy quote

• The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Two

  9 Copy quote

• I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Summer, Hurt

  13 Copy quote

• It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Two

  17 Copy quote

• I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Missing

  30 Copy quote

• A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Luxury

  10 Copy quote

• We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Glasses

  14 Copy quote

• I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Men

  8 Copy quote

• There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

  Chic Murray

  Funny, Humor, Looks

  4 Copy quote

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