Milton Berle Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

  Milton Berle

  Men, Three, Speak

  9 Copy quote

• Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

  Milton Berle

  Golf, Remember, Backwards

  22 Copy quote

• I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Mistake, Giving

  13 Copy quote

• Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

  Milton Berle

  Education, Teacher, Teaching

  14 Copy quote

• I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Educational, Kids

  5 Copy quote

• I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

  Milton Berle

  Valentine, Doors, Wife

  11 Copy quote

• A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

  Milton Berle

  Nice, Men, Car

  4 Copy quote

• If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

  Milton Berle

  Opportunity, Doors, Long

  10 Copy quote

• They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  24 Copy quote

• Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

  Milton Berle

  Hilarious, Silly, Men

  52 Copy quote

• A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

  Milton Berle

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  25 Copy quote

• My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

  Milton Berle

  Valentine, Heart, Wife

  36 Copy quote

• Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

  Milton Berle

  Food, Order, White

  92 Copy quote

• A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Witty, Jobs

  32 Copy quote

• The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

  Milton Berle

  Education, Teaching, School

  9 Copy quote

• Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?

  Milton Berle

  Education, Teaching, Promise

  11 Copy quote

• All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

  Milton Berle

  Valentine, Wife, Cards

  20 Copy quote

• There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Son, Lists

  10 Copy quote

• Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

  Milton Berle

  High Heels, Guy, Together

  7 Copy quote

• Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!

  Milton Berle

  Lying, Home, White

  30 Copy quote

• It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

  Milton Berle

  Humorous, Exercise, Dieting

  26 Copy quote

• When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"

  Milton Berle

  Education, Teacher, Crazy

  16 Copy quote

• At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

  Milton Berle

  Women, Years, Two

  8 Copy quote

• Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

  Milton Berle

  Life, Sex, Funny Marriage

  16 Copy quote

• My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

  Milton Berle

  Sea, Wife, My Wife

  6 Copy quote

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