Milton Berle Quotes - Page 5

Quotes about:

• I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Money, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

  Milton Berle

  People, Radio, Wonderful

  13 Copy quote

• I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Mother, Law

  4 Copy quote

• We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

  Milton Berle

  Mom, Mother, Attitude

  6 Copy quote

• What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

  Milton Berle

  Mind, Orchestra, Miles

  6 Copy quote

• Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Doctors, Years

  5 Copy quote

• She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

  Milton Berle

  Nice, Valentine, Heart

  4 Copy quote

• The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

  Milton Berle

  Valentine, Pieces, Break

  4 Copy quote

• I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Boss, Ants

  5 Copy quote

• My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Brother, Real

  5 Copy quote

• The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

  Milton Berle

  Beautiful, Making Love, Gone

  4 Copy quote

• War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, War, Scary

  4 Copy quote

• I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

  Milton Berle

  Krypton, Earth, Knows

  9 Copy quote

• Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

  Milton Berle

  Assessment, Tests, Grades

  5 Copy quote

• My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Son, Motorcycle

  4 Copy quote

• Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Tree, Orthopedics

  10 Copy quote

• My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

  Milton Berle

  Real, Valentine, Thinking

  5 Copy quote

• Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

  Milton Berle

  Guy, Faces, Remember

  4 Copy quote

• My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Divorce, Want Something

  5 Copy quote

• At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Party, Hair

  5 Copy quote

• I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Home, Hair

  7 Copy quote

• At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Real, Dollars

  9 Copy quote

• Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

  Milton Berle

  Valentine, Armistice Day, Truce

  4 Copy quote

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