Milton Berle Quotes About Christmas

Quotes about: Christmas

• They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Real, Tree

• It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Today, Tomorrow

• My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Christmas, Money

• Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Years, Eight

• Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Insecure, Numbers

• I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Son, Yesterday

• Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Kids, Two

• War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, War, Scary

• Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Doctors, Years

• I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Wife, Size

• My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Brother, Real

• Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Tree, Orthopedics

• For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Batteries

• I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Wife, Twenties

• My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Son, Motorcycle

• She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Sports, Italian

• I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Home, Hair

• I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Boss, Ants

• My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Nice, Son

• Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Suicide, Kids

• I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Mother, Law

• I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Mistake, Giving

• My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Brother, Years

• The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Office, Careful

• I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Educational, Kids

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