Milton Berle Quotes - Page 4

Quotes about:

• She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Sports, Italian

  18 Copy quote

• He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

  Milton Berle

  Writing, Poetic License, Poetic

  4 Copy quote

• My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

  Milton Berle

  Mother, Valentine, Heart

  8 Copy quote

• I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

  Milton Berle

  Mother, Hands, Two

  14 Copy quote

• I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

  Milton Berle

  Husband, Interesting, Feels

  10 Copy quote

• I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

  Milton Berle

  Insulting, Mind, Bob

  7 Copy quote

• I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

  Milton Berle

  Age

  7 Copy quote

• In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Years, December

  5 Copy quote

• Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

  Milton Berle

  Nice, Valentine, Holiday

  16 Copy quote

• My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Brother, Years

  9 Copy quote

• An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

  Milton Berle

  Horse, Hero, Kissing

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Batteries

  7 Copy quote

• Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

  Milton Berle

  Doctors, House, Helping

  4 Copy quote

• If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

  Milton Berle

  Quitting, Payroll, Ifs

  5 Copy quote

• One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

  Milton Berle

  Education, Teacher, Uncles

  9 Copy quote

• I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

  Milton Berle

  Hurt, Teaching, Curves

  9 Copy quote

• My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Nice, Son

  4 Copy quote

• It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

  Milton Berle

  Education, Team, Teaching

  8 Copy quote

• Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Insecure, Numbers

  7 Copy quote

• Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Kids, Two

  4 Copy quote

• I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

  Milton Berle

  New Year, Years, Grain Of Salt

  9 Copy quote

• I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Wife, Twenties

  10 Copy quote

• I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Office, Guy

  5 Copy quote

• My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Christmas, Money

  4 Copy quote

• I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

  Milton Berle

  Thinking, Middlemen

  8 Copy quote

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