Milton Berle Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

Brothers Cars Christmas Education Evolution Funny Giving

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

Milton Berle

Christmas, Wife, Size

4 Copy quote
Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

Milton Berle

Sex, Winter, Four

18 Copy quote
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Milton Berle

Funny, Witty, Humorous

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The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

Milton Berle

Christmas, Office, Careful

20 Copy quote
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

Milton Berle

Lost, Jokes

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The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

Milton Berle

Teacher, Retirement, Dollars

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My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

Milton Berle

Brother, Worry, Littles

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This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

Milton Berle

Christmas, Sleep, Men

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It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

Milton Berle

Christmas, Today, Tomorrow

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Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

Milton Berle

Christmas, Years, Eight

29 Copy quote
I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

Milton Berle

Sex, School, Kids

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Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

Milton Berle

Poverty, Disgrace, Inconvenient

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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

Milton Berle

Sarcastic, Running, Men

34 Copy quote
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

Milton Berle

Christmas, Men, Giving

12 Copy quote
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Milton Berle

Dream, Brother, Sleep

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I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

Milton Berle

Christmas, New Year, Son

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A thing of beauty is a job forever.

Milton Berle

Beauty, Jobs, Forever

21 Copy quote
I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

Milton Berle

Christmas, Gadgets, Saws

6 Copy quote
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

Milton Berle

Drug, Age, Wonder

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Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

Milton Berle

Christmas, Suicide, Kids

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Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

Milton Berle

Valentine, Remember, Cupid

45 Copy quote
One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

Milton Berle

Christmas, Song, Wife

15 Copy quote
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

Milton Berle

Mother, Valentine, Flower

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I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

Milton Berle

Christmas, Son, Yesterday

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You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

Milton Berle

Looks, Want, Normal

7 Copy quote

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Born: July 12, 1908
Died: March 27, 2002
Occupation: Comedian
Cite this Page: Citation

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