Comedy Quotes - Page 37

• Even hating myself I still think I'm better than you.

  Stephen Schneider

  Funny, Hate, Thinking

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• I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money.

  Stephen Schneider

  Funny, Sex, Lying

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• They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Glasses, Hands

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• Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Jobs, Two

  "Jerry Seinfeld: 'I'm Telling You for the Last Time'". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 1998.

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• I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, People, Chinese

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• Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Country, Winter

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• The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Real, Night

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• I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts.

  Garry Shandling

  Funny, Hair, Matter

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• I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Gay, White

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• She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Niece, Believe

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• The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"

  Ron White

  Funny, Mean, Doors

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie", www.imdb.com. 2003.

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• He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Might, Comic

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

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• I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Theatre, Firsts

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• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Thinking, Men

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• Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Horse, Winning

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• Like comedy, horror has an ability to provoke thought and further the conversation on real social issues in a very powerful way.

  Jordan Peele

  Powerful, Real, Issues

  Source: www.hollywoodreporter.com

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• I get stage fright with short stories. For me it feels like standup comedy: kill or die. I'm more confident when I begin a novel because I know I have space to fail.

  Sefi Atta

  Space, Stories, Failing

  Source: www.percontra.net

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• Sometimes I become the comedy jukebox. I read the emails, people give me requests.The shows are just amazing; they're packed with people and they're so much fun to do.

  Pablo Francisco

  Fun, People, Giving

  Source: rocksucker.co.uk

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• My husband doesn't have to try to add to my comedy he just does being himself and saying & doing the things he does. We have a good friendship & I think couples can relate to our dynamic and sometimes out lack of dynamics too.

  Heather McDonald

  Couple, Husband, Good Friend

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• I tend to find comedy in dark places. I also tend to find comedy in taking on the status quo - which has always been something I find important.

  Tom Green

  Dark, Important, Status Quo

  Source: www.avclub.com

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• It's exciting to be able to do something completely independent without anybody challenging it, and it's a big part of the reason why I'm enjoying doing the stand-up comedy, is I'm able to go out and interact with people one-on-one after the show. It's very punk-rock.

  Tom Green

  Independent, Rocks, People

  Source: www.avclub.com

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• I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious undertones. There are some ideas that are more frivolous to me. The next idea that could occur to me could be comedy about death and famine or something.

  Woody Allen

  Ideas, Comedian, Next

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• You make films whether they're dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn't interesting.

  Woody Allen

  Drama, People, Interesting

  CrankyCritic Interview, www.woodyallen.art.pl.

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• The way I reacted to 9/11 was I decided I didn't want to do any movies that are sad or critical. I decided I didn't want to make my living depressing people or making them go home sick, so I just decided I wanted to do comedy for a while and study it for a while. It doesn't mean everybody should do that, but that was my reaction.

  Jack Nicholson

  Depressing, Home, Mean

  Source: www.gamesradar.com

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• Comedy is much harder, it's a lot more exacting. You can't just be real and you can't just use the same kind of techniques you use to fill up a regular scene.

  Jack Nicholson

  Real, Technique, Use

  Source: www.gamesradar.com

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