Comedy Quotes - Page 34

• Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Firsts, Financial, Make Sense

  "Jim Gaffigan Talks to Brian Regan About Hating Being Called a 'Clean' Comedian, Resisting Hollywood, and Playing Big Venues". Interview with Jim Gaffigan, www.vulture.com. September 23, 2015.

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• I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Stars, Successful, Thinking

  Source: www.vulture.com

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• Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Moving, Piano

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• Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the door. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and you leave the door open. And then he has to step out and come around and close that door. And while he's doing that, I'm on the other side opening the other doors-and we just go around and around and around, and I got my own Benny Hill situation going on in life.

  Hannibal Buress

  Funny, Winning, Doors

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• My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.

  Bill Burr

  Funny, Garden, Two

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• I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Girlfriend, Hurt

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• Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Hurt, White

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• People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any? I didn't either."

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Thinking, White

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• One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Daughter, Children

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• I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Hate, Fighting

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• You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Thinking, Want

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• Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Nice, Race

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• If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person."

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Sex, Two

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• I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Phones, Dallas

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• For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Girl, Years

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• I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Thinking, Should Have

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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• But the way they phrase those things when you get to the voting booth, you don't know which way you're voting, cause it's like, "Should we not eat unbabies not on this not day?" .... So you vote no on it, and then it's on the news the next day. "Well, 74% of Americans have decided it's time to eat babies."

  Kyle Cease

  Funny, Baby, Next Day

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• I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot, and I couldn't tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not. And I realized I've never had that dilemma before. I've always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan.

  Kyle Cease

  Funny, Distance, Able

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• Nate Silver is now forecasting Oscar winners. The only area of life in which he has no expertise, ironically, is life itself.

  Norman Chad

  Funny, Oscars, Winner

  Twitter post from Feb 23, 2013

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• If one official signals Falcons ball and Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson signals Seahawks ball, is it a jump ball?

  Norman Chad

  Funny, Balls, Signals

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• Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week.

  Norman Chad

  Funny, Games, Nfl

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• If you wagered $5,000 on each of my winning NFL picks in 2012 and $500 ($550) on each of my losing picks, you'd be ahead $70,050. Wow.

  Norman Chad

  Funny, Winning, Nfl

  Twitter post from Sep 06, 2013

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• New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, New York, Rip

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• I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, New York, Tunnels

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• Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Cutting, Machines

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