Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
With sixty staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite hardening of the paragraphs.
One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.
Man has gone long enough, or even too long, without being man enough to face the simple truth that the trouble with man is man.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance.
Don't get it right, just get it written.
The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody's guess.
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
Sophistication might be described as the ability to cope gracefully with a situation involving the presence of a formidable menace to one's poise and prestige (such as the butler, or the man under the bed - but never the husband).
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people - that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.
All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
The laughter of man is more terrible than his tears, and takes more forms -hollow, heartless, mirthless, maniacal.
We are a nation that has always gone in for the loud laugh, the wow, the yak, the belly laugh, and the dozen other labels for the roll- em-in-the-aisles gagerissimo. This is the kind of laugh that delights actors, directors, and producers, but dismays writers of comedy because it is the laugh that often dies in the lobby. The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it.
Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
We all have faults, and mine is being wicked.
The difference between our decadence and the Russians is that while theirs is brutal, ours is apathetic.
There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth.
I'm 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be 48. That's the trouble with us. We number everything. Take women, for example. I think they deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of 28 and 40.
Comedy has to be done en clair. You can't blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clear.
Discussion in America means dissent.
The appreciative smile, the chuckle, the soundless mirth, so important to the success of comedy, cannot be understood unless one sits among the audience and feels the warmth created by the quality of laughter that the audience takes home with it.
The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.
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