Comedy Quotes - Page 35

• You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Book, School

  9 Copy quote

• How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Thinking, Water

  10 Copy quote

• I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Baby, Animal

  45 Copy quote

• You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Glasses, Looks

  6 Copy quote

• I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Believe, Class

  4 Copy quote

• Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Television, Lifetime

  4 Copy quote

• I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Team, Son

  20 Copy quote

• You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Cancer, Book

  19 Copy quote

• I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Writing, Thinking

  39 Copy quote

• If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Dad, Guy

  6 Copy quote

• Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Opposites, Medicine

  4 Copy quote

• I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Causes, Creeps

  5 Copy quote

• You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Dog, Names

  4 Copy quote

• I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Hurt, Pockets

  "'Fat' Dad Jim Gaffigan On Kids, Comedy And Apartment Living". Interview with Scott Simon, www.npr.org. May 2, 2013.

  4 Copy quote

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• After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Pockets, Hot

  4 Copy quote

• I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Guy, Escalators

  "Underneath that pasty exterior beats the dark heart of a comic". Interview with John Wenzel, www.denverpost.com. October 10, 2008.

  11 Copy quote

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• They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Kids, Giving

  4 Copy quote

• Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Glasses, Giving

  33 Copy quote

• What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Grandma, Special

  4 Copy quote

• When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Fighting, Bed

  12 Copy quote

• It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Morning, Pain

  4 Copy quote

• How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Sleep, Successful

  6 Copy quote

• "I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Up Early, Wanted

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Feb 22, 2013

  4 Copy quote

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• My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Goal, Life Is

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Feb 05, 2013

  6 Copy quote

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• I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Girlfriend, Names

  7 Copy quote