Emo Philips Quotes About Comedy

Quotes about: Comedy

• My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

  Emo Philips

  Love, Funny, Humor

• The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Evil

• How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

  Emo Philips

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  "E=MO²". Comedy Album, 1985.

• I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  YouTube Channel "zappbrannigan"/"Emo Philips - 1983 (part 1 of 2)", www.youtube.com. October 15, 2007.

• Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Reality

  "E=MO²". Album by Emo Philips. Track: 'A Fine How Ya Do', 1985.

• I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Life, Humor

• Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Encouragement, Morning

• I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, New Day

• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Glasses

• Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Squash

• He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Smile, Taught

• I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "75 Funniest Jokes of All Time". "GQ Magazine", June 1999.

• People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, People

  "E=MO²". Comedy album, 1985.

• I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Running, Children

• I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Pain, Real

• I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Lucky

• I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Gay

• I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

  Emo Philips

  Night, Trying, Lucky

• Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, Grandfather

  "E=MO²". Album by Emo Philips, 1985.

• People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Humor, People

• In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, School, Humor

• Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Children, Humorous

• I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Girlfriend, Father

• I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

  Emo Philips

  Night, Years, Comedian

  "Emo Philips is still ... Emo". Interview with Steve Johnson, www.chicagotribune.com. September 20, 2012.

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