Judy Tenuta Quotes

• My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

  Judy Tenuta

  Success, Mom, Daughter

  82 Copy quote

• Love Goddess in training. It could happen.

  Judy Tenuta

  Training, God Love, Goddess

  25 Copy quote

• Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

  Judy Tenuta

  Friendship, Anger, Bad Friend

  26 Copy quote

• What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

  Judy Tenuta

  Men, Want, Mattresses

  26 Copy quote

• I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

  Judy Tenuta

  Philosophy, Professors

  23 Copy quote

• You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

  Judy Tenuta

  Real, Bottles, Body

  13 Copy quote

• I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.

  Judy Tenuta

  Littles, Chains, Turned Down

  24 Copy quote

• How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

  Judy Tenuta

  Suicide, Suicidal, Dating

  32 Copy quote

• I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

  Judy Tenuta

  Italian, Half, Polish

  23 Copy quote

• This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

  Judy Tenuta

  Memorable, Gay, Men

  18 Copy quote

• I am a morning person...I love waking up, walking & reveling In the beauty of all the flowers and trees....while chugging a 5th of vodka!!! It could happen.

  Judy Tenuta

  Morning, Flower, Tree

  Source: fierth.com

  6 Copy quote

• I was born a Love Goddess. My parents, Caesar and Joanne, always told me that I was a little Goddess and Petite Flower. I was a Petite Flower, and I had all these brothers who were always trying to boss me around. I told them, "No. You must kiss my hand or kiss my feet". That's how I became the Goddess.

  Judy Tenuta

  Brother, Flower, Kissing

  Source: popgeeks.net

  12 Copy quote

• I was nominated for two Grammy's, but ... more importantly, I like it when I get a letter from someone ... a person that I've affected their lives or I've helped them. That's important to me. Someone will say "I was feeling bad and you helped me".

  Judy Tenuta

  Two, Feelings, Important

  Source: www.broadwayworld.com

  9 Copy quote

• Sorry, I didn't squat and grease myself and be naked next to Kim Lard-ashian. I mean, no matter what you do - excuse me - you can never compete with her. You can win the Nobel Peace Prize and you can't compete with Kim Lard-ashian's ass.

  Judy Tenuta

  Sorry, Mean, Winning

  Source: www.broadwayworld.com

  14 Copy quote

• My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!

  Judy Tenuta

  Eye, Thinking, Helping

  Source: fierth.com

  12 Copy quote

• I would just go insane in a public school. I don't have enough clothes.You have to be Heidi Klum to go to public school now. It's crazy. I feel sorry for these kids, not to mention that the new Secretary Of Education, Betsy DeVos, is against education.

  Judy Tenuta

  Sorry, Crazy, School

  Source: popgeeks.net

  16 Copy quote

• I think it might be harder for a young comic because there's so much more competition. There's more people trying to do it and there are less rooms. Seriously. The way people do anything now is by getting press - some scandal. It's awful. Somebody has to go on a rooftop with a rifle and they get their own sitcom. It's disgusting.

  Judy Tenuta

  Thinking, People, Competition

  Source: www.broadwayworld.com

  13 Copy quote

• I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

  Judy Tenuta

  Healing, Laughing, Want

  Source: popgeeks.net

  7 Copy quote

• I should have my own show by now. Yeah. How many damn sitcoms does Kelsey Grammer need? How many more stupid Housewives do they need throwing tables and limbs at each other. Yeah, I guess I need to take off my artificial leg and throw it at Vanderpump. I like doing live shows - it's just getting to them that's a hassle.Doing films is fun too ... a good film ... but there's a lot of waiting around.

  Judy Tenuta

  Fun, Stupid, Waiting Around

  Source: www.broadwayworld.com

  6 Copy quote

• I'm husband hunting. Now, I know all the men are going to be gay but at this point, I need a new gay husband. Or, a new lesbian assistant. If you want something done, tell a lesbian and the she'll chop down a tree. Something like that.

  Judy Tenuta

  Husband, Gay, Men

  Source: www.broadwayworld.com

  11 Copy quote

• You have to really kiss up to EVERYONE! Kiss up to anyone you think can help you. That's really the best advice I can give. You obviously have to have an act - but, maybe you don't.

  Judy Tenuta

  Kissing, Thinking, Giving

  Source: www.broadwayworld.com

  5 Copy quote

You May Also Like:

Emo Philips

Rita Rudner

Paula Poundstone

Elayne Boosler

Wendy Liebman

Sam Kinison

Bruce Vilanch

Joan Rivers