You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so ... look at the platypus.
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'
I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.
You look at the world and see how scary it can be sometimes and still try to deal with the fear. Comedy can deal with the fear and still not paralyze you or tell you that it's going away. You say, OK, you got certain choices here, you can laugh at them and then once you've laughed at them and you have expunged the demon, now you can deal with them. That's what I do when I do my act.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.
I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.
I don't practice anything. I spend time looking over ideas and then just get out and do it.
It's frightening and exhilarating. It's like combat. Look at the metaphors: You kill when it works; you die when it doesn't.
People would say I never censor. As Billy Crystal says, 'I don't have that button.'
[On creating] And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going "You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know."
The only weapon we have is comedy.
We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.
You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Comedy pays the bills if I can't find a film.
My childhood was lonely. Both my parents were away a lot, working, and the maid basically raised me. And I think that's where a lot of my comedy comes from. Not only was the maid very funny and witty, but when my mother came home I'd use humour to try and get her attention. If I made mommy laugh, then maybe everything would be all right. I think that's where it [my comedy] all started.
My comedy is like emotional hang-gliding.
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