Comedy Quotes - Page 36

• You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Thinking, Two

  6 Copy quote

• If I don't get at least 1 email in any given hour, I begin to think my friends are conspiring against me.

  Tommy James

  Funny, Thinking, Email

  4 Copy quote

• You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

  Larry the Cable Guy

  Funny, Baby, Kids

  30 Copy quote

• Bought a pair of boots the other day, and they was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said, "Do not eat." Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair of boots goin', "Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that. I don't know what the hell that is."

  Larry the Cable Guy

  Funny, Boys, Needs

  23 Copy quote

• I love to smoke. I love to eat red meat. I'll only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, ok!? Special cows they grow in Virginia with voice boxes in their necks. "Moo"

  Denis Leary

  Funny, Virginia, Voice

  Song: Meat

  6 Copy quote

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• My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.

  Norm MacDonald

  Funny, Dad, Guy

  "Comedy gold: Norm Macdonald's Me Doing Standup" by Leo Benedictus, www.theguardian.com. September 6, 2013.

  29 Copy quote

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• When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Taxpayers

  22 Copy quote

• My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Nice, Dirty

  10 Copy quote

• Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Kids, Your Side

  5 Copy quote

• Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Mexican, Typical

  37 Copy quote

• If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.

  John Pinette

  Funny, People, Bed

  16 Copy quote

• Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Sports, Balls

  38 Copy quote

• The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn."

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Up Early, Government

  10 Copy quote

• I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Mean, Knives

  "Brian Regan Live". Audio CD, 1997.

  15 Copy quote

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• I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Mean, Thinking

  "Brian Regan Live". Audio CD, 1997.

  49 Copy quote

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• "Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called." ... That's what they say - but somehow, by the time it comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, "Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! ... Do whatever you have to do to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!"

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Doors, Gentleman

  Interview with Paul Harris, paulharrisonline.blogspot.ru. May 20, 1996.

  14 Copy quote

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• I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge."

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Nice, Rooms

  31 Copy quote

• How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Thinking, Blue

  9 Copy quote

• I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up... not using. ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research.

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Writing, Men

  28 Copy quote

• If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it. ... The connection is obvious. You get off, "Man, that was just like the movie! Only the movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster."

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Character, Men

  4 Copy quote

• I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. ... "I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!"

  Brian Regan

  Funny, Men, Thinking

  "Brian Regan: The Epitome of Hyperbole". Stand up comedy, 2008.

  7 Copy quote

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• Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Brother, Hate

  4 Copy quote

• That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Cancer, Kids

  5 Copy quote

• There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong.

  Stephen Schneider

  Funny, Conviction

  4 Copy quote

• I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just play them really badly.

  Stephen Schneider

  Funny, Integrity, Games

  4 Copy quote