Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Quotes about:

• You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Know How, Knows, Wraps

  57 Copy quote

• The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Morning, Eye, Stuff

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Apr 12, 2015

  13 Copy quote
• 

  Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Comedian, Likes, Remember

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Apr 24, 2012

  60 Copy quote

• My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Shoes, Ties, Wife

  38 Copy quote

• If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

  Jim Gaffigan

  Always Trying, House, Camping

  Jim Gaffigan (2013). “Dad Is Fat”, p.258, Crown Archetype

  8 Copy quote

• The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

  Jim Gaffigan

  Heaven, Kind, Odd

  32 Copy quote

• Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Kale, Special, Superfoods

  Jim Gaffigan (2014). “Food: A Love Story”, p.95, Crown Archetype

  13 Copy quote

• Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Cake

  "Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale", www.imdb.com. 2006.

  11 Copy quote

• No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!

  Jim Gaffigan

  Cute, Cousin, Fun

  Jim Gaffigan (2013). “Dad Is Fat”, p.226, Crown Archetype

  45 Copy quote

• My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Vegetables, My Favorite, Marshmallow

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Aug 07, 2013

  49 Copy quote

• I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Ideas

  13 Copy quote

• We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Mean, Thinking, Orange

  31 Copy quote

• But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Baby, Women

  39 Copy quote

• There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Fathers Day, Song, Children

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from May 09, 2012

  27 Copy quote

• Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Thanksgiving, People, Drunk

  "Beyond the Pale". Live album by Jim Gaffigan, www.npr.org. February 7, 2006.

  54 Copy quote

• Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Asking, Hell, Knows

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from May 20, 2011

  40 Copy quote

• Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Jobs, Kids, Pay

  Jim Gaffigan (2013). “Dad Is Fat”, p.46, Crown Archetype

  18 Copy quote

• How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Thinking, Water

  10 Copy quote

• I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Team, Son

  20 Copy quote

• I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy"... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family." Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Wife, House, Camping

  "Jim Gaffigan: King Baby". Documentary, Comedy, 2009.

  16 Copy quote
• 

  The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Glasses

  41 Copy quote

• Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

  Jim Gaffigan

  Games, Gold, Salad

  "Jim Gaffigan: King Baby", 2009.

  19 Copy quote

• Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Writing, Humor

  37 Copy quote

• I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Writing, Thinking

  39 Copy quote

• Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Animal

  28 Copy quote

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