Jim Gaffigan Quotes About Comedy

Quotes about: Comedy

• I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, New York, Tunnels

• Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Cake

  "Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale", www.imdb.com. 2006.

• When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Fighting, Bed

• I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Coffee, Humor

• I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Writing, Thinking

• New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, New York, Rip

• You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Thinking, Two

• I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Causes, Comedy

• I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Believe, Class

• Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Television, Comedy

• My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Wife

• For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Cake

• I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Team, Son

• After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Pockets, Hot

• "I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Up Early, Comedy

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Feb 22, 2013

• Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Cutting, Machines

• You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Cancer, Book

• I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Guy, Comedy

  "Underneath that pasty exterior beats the dark heart of a comic". Interview with John Wenzel, www.denverpost.com. October 10, 2008.

• My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Goal, Comedy

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Feb 05, 2013

• You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Book, School

• They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Kids, Giving

• I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Girlfriend, Names

• How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Thinking, Water

• If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Dad, Guy

• Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Glasses, Giving

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