Jim Gaffigan Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Glasses

• You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Book, Reading

• But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Baby, Women

• I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, New York, Tunnels

• People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Brother, Children

• Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Nice, Humor

• Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Writing, Humor

• Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Cake

  "Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale", www.imdb.com. 2006.

• Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Inspirational, Funny, Travel

  Twitter post from Dec 11, 2009

• When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Fighting, Bed

• I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Coffee, Humor

• I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Blind

• I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Smell

• What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Ideas

• I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Writing, Thinking

• New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, New York, Rip

• I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Thinking, Mafia

• You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Thinking, Two

• It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Dream, Humor

• Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Animal

• I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Causes, Comedy

• I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Believe, Class

• Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Television, Comedy

• My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Wife

• I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Girl, Humor

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