Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Page 5

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• Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would admit throwing an f-bomb in there would help get a reaction. ... I'm not on a Puritanical pursuit, but when I would curse in a joke, I believe I'm not done writing it.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Believe, Writing, Thinking

  "Jim Gaffigan returns to his old stomping grounds, Purdue". "Journal & Courier" Newspaper, September 6, 2007.

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• You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Cancer, Book

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• Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Thinking, Weight Watchers, Taste

  Jim Gaffigan (2014). “Food: A Love Story”, p.20, Crown Archetype

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• The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Wings, Meals, Buffalo

  Jim Gaffigan (2014). “Food: A Love Story”, p.194, Crown Archetype

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• Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Cutting, Machines

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• I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Girl, Humor

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• Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Children, Party, People

  "Dad Is Fat". Book by Jim Gaffigan, May 7, 2013.

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• New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, New York, Rip

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• They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Kids, Giving

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• You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Two

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• You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Book, Humor

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Children, Rights, Punishment

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• The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

  Jim Gaffigan

  Real, People, Cheese

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Jun 15, 2013

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• Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Mother, Father

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• Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Glasses, Giving

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• Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Book, Humor

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• Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

  Jim Gaffigan

  Rainbow, Lines, Tubs

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• Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Dad, Laughing, Parent

  Jim Gaffigan (2013). “Dad Is Fat”, p.25, Crown Archetype

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• I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Children, Sleep, Hair

  Jim Gaffigan (2013). “Dad Is Fat”, p.240, Crown Archetype

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• I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Blind

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• My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Wife

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• As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Pain, Dad, Light

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• I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to that I'm going to do the project. I tell myself, "I'm going to read this script like six times," and I only read it the initial time.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Book, Reading, Scripts

  Source: www.avclub.com

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• I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it's pretty sincere.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Cake, Stuff, Sincere

  "Jim Gaffigan talks Domino's, Law & Order, and having the gall to accept serious acting roles". Interview with Andy Seifert, www.avclub.com. January 28, 2010.

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• It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Horrible, Feels, Balancing Act

  "Jim Gaffigan Talks to Brian Regan About Hating Being Called a 'Clean' Comedian, Resisting Hollywood, and Playing Big Venues". Interview with Jim Gaffigan, www.vulture.com. September 23, 2015.

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